Scars Remain : Asylum 2
by Alma
Summary: Sequel to Asylum. A rather insane Cloud is still dealing with his demons and Jenova. The worst is just ahead. Takes place directly after the events in Asylum.
1. no end to the torment

"So how do you feel today, Cloud?"  
  
It had been three weeks and I still had the same goddamn answer for him. Maybe today, I'd make it a little exciting...  
  
"...Which is worse; a broken heart or a bleeding heart?" I solemnly responded, careful not to make eye contact.   
  
"Well, which do you think is worse?" the psychiatrist responded.   
  
He was trying to get on my good side again, making me answer all these stupid questions. He knew exactly how I felt...  
  
"I'm not sure. A broken heart means the damage has already been done and there's nothing left but shattered remains of a once whole heart. A bleeding heart means that it hasn't broken yet, but the pain is fresh. It can be mended, but if left alone it can break. A bleeding heart holds more promise than a broken heart. Bleeding is dying, broken is dead..." I told him.   
  
My insides felt like they were decaying and he wanted to know how I was feeling...  
  
"Then wouldn't broken be worse than bleeding? Bleeding still has the potential to be fixed..." he shifted his weight in the chair, staring at me closer... examining me...  
  
I pushed my chair further away. He looked puzzled at my distant movement. "I have this thing for when people examine me. I can't stand people staring at me..."   
  
Hojo's image crept through my mind, but I waved the thought away and sat back down.   
  
"But bleeding hurts a lot more because it is fresh pain and it aches much worse than a heart that is already broken. But broken can never be repaired..." I was thinking about this more in my mind and still couldn't decide which I was- broken or bleeding.  
  
"Mmhmm..." He nodded and looked over at something on his desk. "What about Jenova?"  
  
"What about Her?" my mind panicked and my heart skipped a beat when he mentioned her name.  
  
"Well, what is she? Is she here now?" He waved his pen around the small office.  
  
"She's always here...always trying to get me... My friends didn't understand though! They thought She was dead, but She can never die. She's always trying to get me..." my eyes darted around the room, but I knew She was invisible.   
  
"Why does she want you? How does she 'get you'?" He adjusted his glasses and stroked his chin.  
  
"She wants me because I am the last one with Jenova cells inside of me. I'm the last one She has power over with Sephiroth dead... When I'm asleep She can't grasp my unconscious mind, but when I'm awake She's always trying to collapse my mind, feeding me lies, trying to make me weaker so I bend to Her will more easily..." I told him gravely.  
  
He looked speechless for a couple of seconds, as if he didn't believe it. "And what happens when she does 'get you'?"  
  
"I lose all control to Her. I become a puppet, and She the puppetmaster. This is what my friends never understood. They don't know what it's like to lose all control... to watch yourself hurt the ones you love and care for and not be able to do a damn thing about it," I could feel my voice tensing with anger because my friends abandoned me.  
  
"Cid Highwind... Do you know what happened to him?" the psychiatrist leaned in closer and again, I moved my chair back.  
  
What sort of stupid-ass question is that? Of course I knew what happened to Cid!  
  
"I...killed him... Jenova killed him using my body..." I blinked away some rushing tears. I hated admitting I was weak and I hated being used...  
  
"What do you feel about that?" another stupid-ass question. I doubt he wanted to help me, just want to know how I felt about all the stupid things I've done in life.  
  
"Cid protected Tifa until the end. Even the first time when I sliced Tifa's face open with a knife, Cid was the first to arrive and he beat the shit outta me. And the night of his death, he nearly killed me defending Tifa. He even told me, 'If I had my lance with me, I'd have already killed you!' But all we had was fists and I was stronger than he was... But it wasn't me! I would never wanna hurt my friends!" I could feel Jenova tugging at my mind while I was at the edge of an emotional breakdown.  
  
"You told me last week that you killed him to save Tifa, right?" he asked, but he was beginning to sound very distant to me.  
  
"Yeah, that's right. Jenova wanted me to kill Tifa. She was my one emotional strength and if she was dead, then I would be weakened entirely to Jenova's will and easily manipulated. I wanted to kill Tifa for a time...she was so beautiful and perfect... Why do we always want to destroy beautiful things?" I looked down at the floor, remembering it all.   
  
"Were you jealous of her...perfection?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess. It's just that...I had gone through so much pain and so much more shit than she had to. I don't know..." I shook my head, more static. "The point is that Jenova wanted me to kill Tifa, but at the last moment I summoned enough power to divert my hands to Cid's neck and snap his life away instead of Tifa's. But she doesn't understand that I saved her because I love her," I wiped my eyes, careful not to let any tears fall.  
  
"Tifa visited you here, didn't she?"   
  
"Yeah, but I'll never see her again. She never believed me. She said I couldn't love and that I don't understand what love is..." I trailed off, my voice shaking.   
  
"How did that make you feel?" another stupid question! I closed my eyes and remembered how I felt.  
  
"It felt...like I was trapped inside of a wall. I was stuck in a wall...the real me. I was looking through a window in the wall, yelling to her, but she couldn't hear me, she couldn't see me, she didn't even know I was there. It's a horrible feeling...I..." my words broke off again. I couldn't even talk about it without getting all teary-eyed and crap.   
  
"Alright, Cloud. We'll meet again next week and talk some more," He put his hand on my shoulder and I quickly pulled away.   
  
The two guards from the doorway walked back over to me, escorting me back to my cell. Barret had succeeded in trying to get me some help from in the prison, but I just ended up feeling worse every time I talked to the psychiatrist...  
  
If only I weren't in this prison, ...but I guess they think I'm a danger to society after what I did to Cid. But they don't understand... Nobody understands the power of Jenova...  



	2. jenova's deal

Barely awake, barely asleep, while dreaming of brighter days from my cell, I suddenly found myself standing in a pure ivory room, the walls and drapes glowing in their immaculate perfection, the essence of everything I was not.   
  
I began carefully walking forward, not sure if it was all a dream or not and noticed how the ivory walls and soft ivory carpet seemed to glow as though bathed in pure moonlight, yet there was no light source in the room.   
  
In horror, I noticed a stream of crimson blood snaking it's way across the pure carpet, tainting its beauty, trailing from me. Looking down, I saw blood dripping from my fingertips although no cut was present.   
  
Turning back, I saw my footprints were soaked in blood. I held my hands up. They were soaked with rich blood, dripping down my arms, covering my hands entirely in a glossy sheen of scarlet.   
  
"No! Why is this happening to me?" I whispered in fear, staring as the blood around me pooled thicker on the ivory carpet.   
  
"Stop this!" I demanded, throwing my arms up, grasping my head, brushing back my spikes with my hands. "What's wrong with me?" I cried out, watching the glowing room suddenly turn gray as my blood darkened the floor.   
  
Bloody strands of blonde hung in front of my face, tiny droplets of blood dripping from them. Why am I bleeding? I'm not cut!  
  
My eyes wide with terror and guilt, I watched as my blood soaked through the room, forever marring it's gentle ivory glow and perfection. I felt hot tears leak down my face involuntarily.   
  
"Why...why do I ruin everything I touch?" I shook my head, hearing my blood lightly splatter against the pure walls, spraying from my soaked blonde strands.  
  
I knelt in the center of the room, feeling guilty and helpless, every ounce of my body trembling.   
  
"I didn't mean to do this..." I whispered sadly to myself. "...make it stop..."  
  
My heart quickened and I felt Jenova's caress pass over me once again, sending a chill up my spine...  
  
I stumbled across the ivory room, confused, while Jenova tugged at my mind more and more. When I wasn't conscious her grasp on me weakened, but the sickening feel of her touch always returned once I awoke.   
  
/Useless boy/ she spoke cruelly to me and suddenly something smacked me from the side, sending me flying against the crimson splattered ivory wall.  
  
I lay on the floor, coughing, my blood slippery on the tiles now beneath me. My ribs ached from smacking against the bricked wall.  
  
/You're pathetic and weak. Useless to me in this condition, but I will remold you to fit into what I want done./ Jenova hissed in my ear.  
  
"Leave me alone," I weakly muttered, holding my side injured by the wall.  
  
I lay in a pool of my own blood, staining the beautiful ivory room, turning it into a bloody nightmare.   
  
/When I'm through with you, you'll beg me to take your life. You will learn to accept me with no resistance and bond with me entirely./ Her voice grew hostile.  
  
"I'm already begging you to take my life. What more do you want? If I'm useless to you, release me, 'Mother'," I solemnly requested, breathing heavily from fear and pain.  
  
/I shall remold you into the 'son' I need to accomplish what I want./  
  
"You don't care if I suffer as long as you get what you want..." I spat, sitting up against the bloody scenery.  
  
I coughed weakly. "What are you trying to accomplish?"  
  
/Full control over you once I force you to embrace and accept me with no resistance. We can accomplish great things if you would only embrace your mother, like Sephiroth did./ the heartless creature spoke.  
  
"I'm tired. Just leave me alone! Let me be! You already fucked up my life enough. Kill me or get out of my life, get out of my mind!" I clutched my mind, hoping to make the voice vanish.   
  
"Now you will learn true pain until you learn not to resist me in your mind," a cold female whispered close to my ear.   
  
I turned swiftly, jumping away from the hideous being right next to me. I slid on the bloody tiles and fell backwards as the demon loomed over me.   
  
"Wh...what...what are you?" I whimpered, my fear pulsating through my bones.  
  
"You don't recognize your worst nightmare?" She asked, her bloated body waved her tentacles around.   
  
"Inside of your mind, I can extract and project myself, assuming my original shape because your thoughts clearly remember what I look like," She explained.   
  
"Jenova..." I did recognize the headless horror towering above me, hardly listening to her words.   
  
"Do you still reject me?" Jenova crept towards me, encircling a long arm around my waist, lifting me off the floor, blood dripping from my hands and face.  
  
"Where is this blood coming from? I'm not cut! Where are Zack and Sephiroth?" I cried out, Jenova's revolting form bringing me closer to her.   
  
"Your foolish figures of illusion are dead and not here to help you in this corner of your mind. Only you and me. Why do you reject me? Embrace me, Cloud! We can be great together!" Jenova commanded, shaking me roughly, throwing me to the floor.   
  
"How can you hurt me physically inside of my mind?" I spat out some blood, pushing myself off the ground.  
  
"I am a part of you, Cloud. I am in each and every one of your cells. And I can use this fact to turn your cells against you, causing physical harm at your weakest point. And your mind has been very weakened from the last month or two," Jenova laughed a little.  
  
"If I continue to resist you, what can you do?" I challenged her power.   
  
"I can kill you," she stated simply, once more picking me up. "Just embrace the power of Jenova and I won't ever harm you." She squeezed me tight, my breath escaping me.   
  
"Fuck off," I twisted out of her hold, falling to the ground.   
  
"What? Then I will just crush your resistance like I've done in the past and we will continue living as me being dominant and you being inferior!" Jenova roared, striking me across the chest with her long slender arm, a red welt appeared on my soft skin.   
  
I recoiled and held my wound. "I'm tired of you controlling my life! I'm sick of being your slave! You cannot kill me inside of my own mind!" I shouted defiantly.   
  
"Embrace me or die, puppet!" She shrieked and slashed downward, catching me across the shoulder and chest again.   
  
I yelled out in pain and fell to the floor, blood dripping from my cut, adding to the pool already surrounding me. I flung myself from the ground, wiping blood from my split lip.   
  
"I'd rather die than serve you like Sephiroth did!" I shouted, ignoring the pulsating pain rippling through my chest.   
  
"I'm sick of playing this game of your pathetic resistance to me. It's hindering my growth and yours because I have to concentrate entirely on keeping your pitiful mind under my control. Embrace me and we won't have to worry about that. We would function as mother and son," she proposed her idea to me.  
  
"That's not what I want! That's only what you want! You just want full control over me so you can kill Tifa, but I won't ever let you get her! Ever!" I cried out as her body quivered with anger.  
  
"Stupid boy! Stupid stupid boy! Tifa is your one strong point, if she is gone, then you would be broken completely to my will and your resistance against me would be significantly lowered. But if you embrace me, I will spare Tifa and all your friends," Jenova once more lifted me up with her tentacle holding me close to her headless body.   
  
"You...you will spare Tifa? You won't harm her at all?" I warily asked.   
  
"Embrace me now and I won't harm her. Or you can continue to resist and I can kill you here unless you beg for my mercy and offer complete cooperation. Then I won't promise I won't kill Tifa once I am in full control over your body and mind," Jenova seductively whispered.  
  
"So I either resist and die, resist and possible risk losing Tifa's life, or I can not resist at all and Tifa will be spared entirely?" I asked carefully.  
  
"That's right," Jenova seemed almost to snicker.   
  
"How do I know that you will keep your promise and not harm Tifa at all if I chose to cooperate?" I really didn't want Tifa in danger at all.  
  
"You'll have to trust me," Jenova's chilly voice spoke.  
  
"I don't have much of a choice do I?" I thought it all over in my mind.   
  
"Not really. I will kill you now if you choose to resist, unless you beg for my mercy. Trust me that if you choose to resist, I will have you begging for death when I'm through with you. You know my power and what I'm capable of, Cloud. Make the right choice," Jenova laughed.   
  
"Why do I have this choice? Usually I have no say in the matter."  
  
"That last flicker of yourself that lies in your mind still resists me and hinders everything. I'm giving you an opportunity to spare Tifa's life in exchange for complete cooperation. I can't possibly help get you out of jail without full control over you. And in this exact position right now, you're useless to me, so I need your cooperation to get you the way I want you," Jenova spoke softly.   
  
"I...I love Tifa and I don't want anything bad to happen to her at my hands, but I can't trust you. You're full of lies," I shot her a glare.   
  
"Bad choice, Cloud," Jenova spat and threw me against the wall with full force, my side cracking against the ivory marble fireplace.  
  
"Fuck you," I struggled to breath.  
  
"I gave you an opportunity to free yourself from this pain you will soon feel!" Her revolting form grew red with anger as she slashed down at me again and again with her bloated arm, each strike digging deeper into my skin.   
  
I slid backwards, slipping on my blood staining the ivory room, holding my bleeding chest and shoulder, wincing against the pain in my ribs.  
  
"Foolish child! Now I'll kill you!" she screamed, jumping forward to attack.   
  
I threw myself out of her reach and wished my Ultima Weapon were with me so I could slice her in half.   
  
Instead, I broke off the end leg of the ivory table in the ivory room, nails still protruding from its end. It reminded me faintly of my old Nail Bat- I could use this as a weapon.   
  
"Get back!" my voice trembled as I waved my weapon in front of me.   
  
She swung a tentacle down at me, just as I swung up with the 'nail bat', smacking it right against her, ripping the nail through her tough skin. She shrieked and quickly recoiled her bloody tentacle. "You filth! Strike me again and I shall kill you!"  
  
I charged her, trying hard to ignore the pain spreading in my chest, and the tears threatening to fall in my eyes. I raised my weapon and jumped up, striking her right in the chest, twisting the nail into her flesh, hearing her cry out in anger and pain.   
  
I fell back, out of breath and bloody, trying to steady the beating of my own racing heart. I rose the 'nail bat' for another strike, when suddenly, Jenova's morbid body shrunk in size.   
  
Her form grew long chocolate brown hair and sunk to the floor, her bubbly skin turning silky, her bloated body becoming slender. She lay on the floor and looked up at me with beautiful crimson eyes.   
  
I gasped...not believing the metamorphis I just witnessed.   



	3. the decision

"T...Tifa?" I lowered my weapon.   
  
"Cloud," she smiled sadly, her face reflecting such beauty that I felt my heart drop all pain and rage.  
  
The ability to change one's looks, voice, and words is the power of Jenova. I vaguely remember the real Sephiroth telling me that long ago...  
  
"No...you're not Tifa..." I struggled with the thought in my mind.   
  
"Then strike me Cloud, if you don't believe it's me," 'Tifa' innocently stepped closer to me. "I've missed you, Cloud."   
  
"No, stop it, Jenova!" I turned away from 'Tifa'.   
  
I heard her walk closer to me, her footsteps lightly tapping against the bloody tiles. She neared me, wrapped her arms around my waist.   
  
"Cloud, promise me you'll come rescue me if I'm ever in trouble." She played with my hair.   
  
"Jenova, stop this!" I turned to 'Tifa', pulling her hands off of my waist.   
  
"Cloudy, don't go!" she wrapped her arms around my neck and rested her head against my unwounded shoulder on one side. My entire body was a bloody mess it seemed.  
  
"I won't give into you, Jenova. I'll still resist you! Now stop this! Let me wake from this nightmare!" I shouted to 'Tifa', knowing it was Jenova.  
  
"Cloud, you can't fight me," 'Tifa' smiled, planting a kiss on my cheek.   
  
I shoved her away. "I can resist this until I wake up. I cannot be asleep forever!" I shouted to her.  
  
"But this will continue each night as you sleep, Cloud," 'Tifa' frowned as I pulled away.  
  
I wanted to fight her, to pick up my fist and slaughter her, but...I couldn't bring myself to hurt 'Tifa' in any way. I loved the real Tifa too much ... even though I clearly knew this was not the Tifa I had grown to love...still...  
  
"Please don't make me do this..." I realized Jenova was right.  
  
"Do you dare to hurt Tifa? Give in and I won't ever hurt Tifa ...ever!" 'Tifa' slid closer to me, grabbing my arm tightly.  
  
"Get...away from me!" I pushed her away once more, my head pounding, my pulse racing.   
  
"I promise Tifa's safety, just embrace me, Cloud," 'Tifa' held me tightly in a hug and I tried to pull back.   
  
What could I do? I couldn't fight physically, I couldn't resist anymore...   
  
And a little piece of my mind would not allow me to strike 'Tifa' regardless of my knowledge that she is Jenova's disguise. Jenova had known my weakness all along and had seized it, perfectly forcing me into her plan.   
  
'Tifa' smiled as I sighed a heavy sigh of defeat, feeling my knees weaken. I collapsed on the bloody tiles, my wounds flowing with warm crimson, but I felt no pain. I felt nothing except a strange emptiness and a desperate longing.  
  
I wanted Tifa to love me more than anything. I saved her life by murdering Cid, although she didn't know it... and I wanted her to smile upon me once more and forgive me. I wanted her to touch her scars, her only imperfection, and tell me that she still loved me...  
  
I shook my head, suddenly clearing my thoughts.   
  
No! I can't let my mind become clouded by Jenova! Tifa hates me. She's beyond angry with me and never wants to see me again, as she so harshly said last time I saw her. I sadly cast my eyes to the floor.   
  
But to spare Tifa's life...  
  
"You tempt me with such a bargain. Tifa's life in place of mine?" I questioned 'Tifa'.  
  
"Only if you accept without resistance to your Mother," Jenova replied.  
  
I was caught, caught between two decisions. Should I accept? Should I fight? Should I even believe any sort of promise Jenova gives?  
  
"Indecisive, Cloud?" 'Tifa' tiptoed closer to me and rested a hand across my chest, watching the blood seep through her slender fingers.  
  
"I...I don't know what to do. I love Tifa more than anything, but I can't trust you once you have...full...control over me," I choked the words out. I hated talking about somebody controlling me...  
  
"You won't be able to regain your lost control once you submit. Sephiroth found that out the hard way...But he eventually gave in, realizing I'm the smarter, more sensible one that will ultimately lead you to what is best for us," 'Tifa' curled her lips back in a cruel smile.   
  
"I can't decide... Do I get more time?" I was trying to buy enough time to think things over, find another way out...I didn't want things to stay the way they were forever.   
  
"Think about it! We could be splendid together! I could get you out of this godforsaken prison!" she shouted.  
  
"And then what? What could you possible want to accomplish with me? I'm useless," I scornfully spat.  
  
"Useless to me in THIS condition- this dull resistance you insist on forever building against me. But you have no idea the potential you hold with the Jenova inside of you. The only Jenova left in the world is the Jenova within you," 'Tifa' smiled sweetly and my heart felt even more weighed down.   
  
"But then what? If I submit, then what?" I brushed back a handful of bloody blond from my slashed face with my trembling hand.  
  
"That's my little secret," 'Tifa's' smile turned to evil.   
  
"N,no..." I turned away. "I cannot accept." I blinked back salty tears.   
  
"Then I'll just force you to submit!" Jenova's voice roared with anger after her negotiations had failed.  
  
She flew through the air, kicking me across the jaw. I felt a jolt of sharp pain as her steel-toed boot cracked against my face. I reeled backwards, holding my jaw, feeling as though it had been splintered.   
  
"This is just a dream..." I reminded myself, turning towards Jenova.   
  
She was still in Tifa's form, looking innocently at me.   
  
I had been brutally attacked by the real Tifa before, but this 'Tifa's' attacks seemed to hurt so much more.  
  
She grabbed me by the throat and threw me to the floor with some effort.   
  
"Why aren't you fighting back?" she kicked me in the side as I saw the whole scene with me and the real Tifa replaying in my mind.  
  
I can't bring myself to fight back! I was already bruised and bleeding from her first attack, but this second attack under Tifa's disguise was too much for me.   
  
I couldn't fight back against her, as foolish as it sounds, as hateful as I am towards myself for not being able to see past that golden-smiling face and see the grotesque Jenova bubbling beneath it...I just couldn't fight back.   
  
I had been paralyzed. My muscles didn't work against her... and she knew that. Ever since Jenova had previously taken control of me and almost forced me to kill Tifa, battering her face and splicing open her skin, I had lost all ability to strike her... It sounds ridiculous when I think about it, but I can't help it.   
  
Before I learned that my anger fueled Jenova's cells, I was upset by Tifa's perfection and by contrasting imperfection. I was obsessed with flaws, thinking perhaps if I flawed Tifa's physical features, then perhaps she would like me more because she would be more imperfect, like me.  
  
I would no longer be below her, with my messed up life. We would be equals in my eyes.  
  
I wasn't insane, I wasn't crazy, I was simply confused and angry with the cards life dealt me and looking for a way to repair them and have a happy ending. Instead, I ruined everything...everything between me and Tifa, everything between me and my friends, everything between me and myself...the only thing that remained pleased with my actions was Jenova.   
  
But by then I had learned, much too late, that Jenova's cells worked with my own hatred and anger, fueled by the adrenaline my rage caused in me. Then I realized my mistakes, but by then, Jenova had already taken me prisoner in my own body, and in the end Tifa hated me, Cid was dead, my friendships were all broken, and I was in jail...  
  
Now, I couldn't let it happen again, though Jenova flowed in my blood, I still resisted.   
  
But as each passing moment slowly ticked onward, I felt my cells crying out to obey the force in front of me...I was dying, bleeding to death on the floor of my own mind, as strange as it sounded.   
  
It was a dream, yet everything was real.   
  
I swallowed a mouthful of blood thickly trailing from my split lip, and then my eyes trailed upward to 'Tifa'. This 'Tifa' didn't have the scar on her face, like the real Tifa...  
  
"Well...? Give in, yet? Or do I have to kill you?" She smirked.   
  
"You...can't kill me," I spat out some blood, "Because you need my body....If I have the only Jenova in the world... then you need me to cooperate, right?" Now, I smirked.  
  
Her beautiful face distorted with anger, realizing I was right.   
  
"How complicated do you want to make this?!" She screamed, enraged with me. "You're options are laid out before you! Now choose, you foolish boy!" She was beginning to lose hold of Tifa's form as her skin boiled purple with fury.  
  
How could I possibly postpone choosing? I tried going through other options in my mind, but I could find no way out.   
  
I stared up at my assailant....what other choice did I have?... Resist forever and when Jenova DID manage to get me eventually (which I know she would) then I would be risking Tifa's life... I just wanted Tifa to be safe, as crazy as that sounds.   
  
Nothing in my mind was making sense anymore...my thoughts were jumbled together in a mental mess. I just wanted to end it all...   
  
"Promise you won't hurt Tifa or any of my friends at all?" I weakly asked.   
  
Jenova smiled.   
  
"I promise," she held out a hand to help me off the floor.   
  
"What other choice is there?" I shrugged hopelessly.  
  
"You're making the right one," Jenova grinned, her voice convincing.   
  
The ivory room spotted with scarlet, shook and quivered as I let down all resistance to the evil entity grinning wildy in front of me, which was also a part of me.   
  
I surrendered myself to Her, embraced Jenova.  
  
And in one moment, it was all complete...  



	4. mutation

Suddenly, the sound was sucked from the air around me, and I felt my body submerge in warmth, as if drowning in a boiling sea

Suddenly, the sound was sucked from the air around me, and I felt my body submerge in warmth, as if drowning in a boiling sea. And yet, I found it comforting…

The strange warmth surrounding me blocked out my sight and hearing, but embraced me with an almost motherly touch, caressing my cheek with a reassuring current of water.

I could feel Jenova's presence, the strongest I've ever felt it, entwining my body and spirit, strangling my thoughts, overwhelming me, but I didn't mind…

Her terrible touch, which would normally nauseate me, was surprisingly sweet and comforting.

"Good boy," she melodically hissed into my mind. 

It felt like relief from a dark nightmare and for a brief moment, I wondered how I ever lived without embracing Jenova before all this.

Then I remembered something vaguely, a picture of a man with long silver hair. Sephiroth. Why had I suddenly thought of Sephiroth?

"They won't bother you anymore, my child," Jenova's clear voice rang in my thoughts. 

Zack and Sephiroth? They won't bother me? They were never a bother to begin with…

"Now we are complete. Mother and Son," she sounded very pleased.

I still couldn't see, and all I could hear was her voice in the silence muffling me. I opened my mouth to speak, but found my tongue was numb.

"You surrendered yourself to me. You have no need to speak, see, or hear anymore when I'm in control. Don't worry. I'll take care of us now," her previously bitter voice sounded like flowing honey to me now.

I struggled suddenly, feeling an urge to speak and a desire to see and hear, although I could do nothing about it. She heard my feeble cry, though. 

"I can restore your sight and hearing, my little puppet, so you may watch what your Good Mother will do for you," her words touched my ears lightly and almost instantly I felt the warmth leave me. 

A falling sensation tackled me to the ground and adrenaline rushed quickly as I hit something rock hard and threw open my eyes, feeling oxygen return to my lungs, and the numbness leave my tongue. 

I was lying in my cell, face down, against the cold concrete floor. The warmth was completely gone and I shivered. 

"M…mother…" I called out helplessly. 

"Remember that I am still in control despite the new privileges I have given you to use your body," she ominously reminded me. 

I sat up, brushed back my drooping blond hair, wet with sweat and what looked like blood, but I didn't recall ever being cut... 

Then, I remembered the ivory room suddenly and the whole ordeal with Jenova…and her promise not to harm Tifa. 

It was worth it. Anything was worth Tifa's safety after the hell I put her through with my demented obsession over her perfection. I hated myself for what had happened, but now Tifa was safe from me forever, even if she didn't love me for it…

"Now that it's a done deal, let's get you out of this cell so our mission can begin," Jenova was constantly talking to me in a nice tone now, not nearly as threatening as she was in the ivory room. 

I noticed my psychiatrist conversing with two guards standing near my cell and my mind jolted with sudden panic. What was he doing here?!

"Hello Cloud," he smiled warmly over his glasses at me. 

I faked a smile back. 

"How are you?" he looked genuinely concerned for my health actually. 

But it was the same stupid question he asks me every time we meet… and he knows the answer. 

I'm miserable. I'm stuck in a pit of dreary hell… 

But today, I couldn't answer him no matter how I really felt. Jenova was in charge and I didn't mind a bit not having to think of some stupid answer that would please that doctor. 

"How are YOU?" I heard my own voice speak pleasantly, very happily, to him. 

The doctor's face creased into a thin smile. "Well, Cloud. I can see you're feeling better!" He scribbled something down in his notebook. 

"I think it's time for one of our little talks again, ok?" he motioned for the guard to unlock my cell. 

Jenova raked through my memory, finding out as much information as she could about the psychiatrist, now that my mind was fully opened for her. 

"But I just saw you yesterday and we're only supposed to meet once a week," Jenova spoke through me to him, some slight alarm in my voice.

"Yes, I know. But I just felt there might be something you wanted to talk about," he nodded caringly. 

I had little to say as the guards led me down the familiar halls and into the 'office' the psychiatrist and I held little chats in every week. After the guard had left us, I sat quietly for a few moments while the doctor finished writing something down. 

Jenova receded gently into the back of my mind and I found that I had control over my speech now. 

"Now, we work together as a team, Cloud. But remember that I am still the dominant one," Jenova instructed me as I felt her warm presence melt into the back of my mind.

I could've screamed for help now that I could speak, but I didn't because Jenova was right. She was still the dominant one and would easily enforce her control over me in an instant now that I had surrendered my mind to her, perhaps even hurting Tifa as punishment if she thought it necessary. 

A strange part of me enjoyed her full motherly presence she presented recently when I accepted her, though. I was still really stuck in decision on whether embracing Jenova was a good or bad thing on my part…but it didn't matter much now because the decision is irreversible. 

But perhaps this wasn't so bad afterall, as long as I didn't hurt Tifa- my new priority in life it seemed. I no longer particularly cared for my own safety. 

I also kinda liked not having to constantly struggle with Jenova for control over myself and going insane just trying to keep a sliver of myself from her grasps. It was just easier to cooperate with an entity of her power.

Something deep within my mind kept softly reminding me of something that I had only now just begun to notice…

She was ruling me with fear. For a spilt second I thought of Rufus for some reason, I don't know why. 

Finally, the psychiatrist sighed and turned to me. My attention snapped back to him.

"Cloud, this has been your second suicide attempt," his eyes were full of concern for me. 

I practically felt the confusion sweep across my face.

Suicide?! When did I try to commit suicide?!! Zack had slashed my wrists in the bathroom before…but…

I looked down in horror and saw my wrists and arms were slashed severely, deep gashes that had been stitched up shown up and down my sleeveless flesh. My jaw dropped with surprise as I stared at my own stitched brutality. 

My memory blinked…The ivory room…

"How did this happen?" I couldn't contain my own wonder as I stared in amazement.

"You were almost dead when we found you. You don't remember?" He looked at me in shock. 

I returned his shocked glance. "No. How did this happen?!" I demanded, throwing my arms up in anger.

"Cloud, this is serious…" he sighed, acting as if I was lying. 

"I was in my cell the whole time I thought! How could this have happened?!" I stood up, my voice loud and threatening. 

"Cloud! Please sit down! We don't know how it happened!! That's what I want to talk to you about!" his voice was calm, yet full of authority. It gave the impression that he was being patient with me and had the potential to scream at me in a louder tone than I could. 

"You mean I was just sitting in my cell and all these marks showed up on my arms?…" I stared, skeptical. 

"We found you in the middle of the night, awake and sobbing in your cell. Guards found you lying in a puddle of your own blood flowing from your cut arms and called me down…We couldn't find any weapon on you or in the cell and couldn't think of anything that could've caused it except for you," he stated.

"How could I do this to myself?!" I yelled, infuriated with such nonsense. 

"We don't know. It almost looks like you were attacked. When we found you, we took you right down to the emergency wing and got the bleeding to stop so we could stitch you up. This self-inflicted wound….it really makes me want to ask you why you feel suicide is the only way out?" his eyes peered at me.

I was breathless and stopped yelling for a moment, trying to think this over… Did I do this to myself? I don't remember… all I remember is…

/The ivory room/ Jenova's voice crept into my thoughts. /We had a battle in the ivory room. Physical damage done to you was real because I could easily control your Jenova-infused cells to open and bleed./

I took in everything she said, then sat down…staring at my arms. It looked like a suicide attempt, but how do I convince him it wasn't. 

"Tell ya what, let's start meeting everyday if you don't want to talk today and we'll keep close watch on you to help you get better," he smiled as best he could. 

"No." I spoke darkly.

"…What do you mean 'no'?" he smirked, thinking it was a joke. 

/Perfect time to make our escape…I can mutate your cells to fit our needs…/ Jenova laughed like ice.

"No!" I cried out, but I was talking to Jenova but she just continued to laugh. 

My body instantly began to ache with such a strong pain that I doubled over and fell to the floor, my chest and arms burning. I shook, lying curled up on the floor. It felt like my insides were decaying away, burning to nothingness and I screamed out in pain and fear, fresh tears already down to my chin. 


	5. the mission

The psychiatrist's eyes widened with absolute terror as I gazed up at him through blurry eyes, my skin feeling like it was about to burst, pain stretching through every inch of my flesh

The psychiatrist's eyes widened with absolute terror as I gazed up at him through blurry eyes, my skin feeling like it was about to burst, pain stretching through every inch of my flesh!

"J…J…J,Jenova…" I cried helplessly and trembled. 

"…oh….good god…" the psychiatrist backed up against the far wall, nearly tripping over the chair in his way, his eyes trained on me, his expression only a slate of horror. 

I held my arms in front of me and gasped in terror as I saw my skin melting and running like liquid over me, burning hot. My hands were barely visible through the liquid flesh that oozed over them, encasing them, shaping the digits into a blade of pale skin. 

I cried out in pure fear and shrieked when I noticed my feet were also undergoing a similar procedure, becoming longer and fatter, my boots lost in the hideous process.

/Relax, dear boy. I'm just making your body more useful to me, like I did with Sephiroth's body/ She sneered. 

"Seph…Sephiroth….he had wings! …I….don't have wings….like ….him!" I gasped, strained through rings of pain igniting in my chest. 

/Sephiroth…/ Jenova sadly echoed his name. /Sephiroth is different…/

The man in front of me shuddered and his lip trembled, his eyes trained on me. 

"Cloud!!.. P,P,Please don't hurt me!" he begged.

The pain evaporated from my lungs and I could breathe again. 

/Mutation complete/ Jenova informed me.

"What have you…done to me?" I sobbed, regaining my breath. 

Jenova didn't respond, but I found I had lost control of my body to her suddenly. I could still see and hear though, but my blade-like arms stretched out in front of me towards the psychiatrist, begging for his life. 

"I have a family!! I, I, I, I have kids! Please, whatever you are, don't hurt me!" he pleaded as Jenova advanced my body step by step. 

"I…I'm trying not to!" I told him, struggling to keep me away from him. 

"Cloud? Are you in there?" his voice began to steady. "Cloud? Is that you?"

Jenova overtook my speech now as I watched helplessly. 

"You will die, old man. Don't beg for mercy. I have a mission to complete," I heard my voice speak, cold and cruel to the trembling man.

My arm raised slightly and I pulled my blade-like skin, no longer a liquid, across his throat with a single effortless pull, feeling the gentle resistance and the pulsating veins below split open, splaying warm scarlet over my arm.

He fell. Bloody and choking, he fell. I had killed again! I had let Jenova kill again using me!! I cried deep within for the man who had tried to help me…who now lay dead at my murderous hand….

"Jenova, stop the killing!" I cried inside my mind to her. 

/We must escape now. A few casualties along the way won't matter/ she insisted. 

And I felt my weighted feet rush towards the window, throwing it open with extreme force, shattering the pane. Two nursing assistants suddenly rushed in. 

"We heard a scream! What happened- oh god!!!" the first one spotted the dead body. 

"Holy shit!!" the second one spotted me as Jenova pulled my startled self out into the streets of Junon.

"Oh my gods!! Dave, call the military and call a doctor!!" the first man shouted frantically as I edged out the window, feet pounding on wet cement. It apparently had been raining.

/We must leave Junon/ Jenova instructed me and I felt my eyes panning the city for a chocobo.

My eyes stung as I ran through the West Side of Junon to the East Side, people staring and screaming, others looking on uncaringly, others just staring in shock. 

"…Cloud? Is…Is that you, Cloud?" I heard the sweetest voice call to me. 

My feet stopped dead in their place. 

Immediately my heart filled with such compassion for the owner of this cherished voice…such shock that I would find her here. 

"C…Cloud?" Tifa's beautiful almond eyes stared at me, filled with fear. 

"Tifa, what are you doing here?" Jenova asked her using my voice. 

"I…I…I…I'm shopping," she stuttered, staring with terror, "W…What the hell happened to you?" she stepped back, biting her lip, looking horrified at what stood before her. She was holding the reigns to my gold chocobo.

"Wark! Wark!" My chocobo happily greeted me. Strange how it recognized me still…

"Cloud… What happened to you…?" her voice held some sympathy.

I desperately begged in my mind, "Jenova!! Please remember our promise!! Don't hurt her no matter what happens!" 

/Alright, I won't go back on my word. I'll let you handle this for a few moments. Get rid of her so we can continue our mission/ Jenova sounded really pissed off.

My speech was granted back to me and I smiled at Tifa, my eyes filling up with tears. 

"Tifa, I can't talk to you for long, but please listen. I did this to save your life, Tifa. I gave up everything just for your safety. Jenova has taken me and twisted me to her will, so please, just stay far far away from me!" I pleaded with her. 

"Cloud? Your arms…? Is that really you?" She dropped the reigns to the chocobo, squinting into my eyes, searching both with hers, as if trying to recognize me…

I sadly responded, "My arms…my body has been mutated by Jenova." I flinched as she touched my cheek with one hand softly.

/Watch how much information you tell, puppet. Get rid of her now before I get rid of her!/ Jenova was growing impatient.

"Still bright blue shimmering Mako eyes……Why was the rest of you mutated?" She recoiled in horror as I raised an arm to show her my melted flesh.

She always liked my eyes and I couldn't help but smile at the comment. 

"Please Tifa, I must leave now. Please understand that I gave up everything for you… please don't think I'm making this up!" I turned my head to the sound of people yelling.

"Cloud…I don't know if I can believe you," she stated in a sorrowful tone, casting her eyes downward. "I can't believe this is what you've become," she backed away in horror. 

/Forget her. We need to get going. You may keep your speech for now, puppet/ Jenova hissed. 

My arm bolted out in front of me, the blade delicately snatching the reigns up from the ground. 

"Wark!" my chocobo happily warked and nuzzled my face tenderly. 

/Stupid beast/ Jenova commented as I mounted my familiar golden-feathered bird.

"Hey! Where are you going?!" Tifa yelled suddenly, as though I was stealing my own chocobo. "Cloud!" She called. 

But the chocobo had already begun running at my command and Tifa was in the distance, standing very much alone in the chaotic streets of Junon. 

I turned my head and didn't look back, listening to the wind tear by me and the chocobo's feet pad on the ground roughly.

"Where ARE we going…?" I asked Jenova quietly once we reached the open fields. 

/Your purpose is almost complete…/ she assured me. /We are going to the Northern Crater to revive my true son…/


	6. the truth

"Resurrect Sephiroth?!" I nearly coughed out the words with my surprise. "Are you insane!?" I shouted to her. 

/No, I'm not insane, stupid boy! He is my true son and he still holds plenty of Jenova cells within him. Of course, his cells are dead right now, but the power of Jenova does not die so easily. His cells can still thrive if fed properly/ Jenova informed me. 

"Fed properly? Fed by what?" I asked cautiously, the chocobo bouncing along through the dirt. 

/Fed by other thriving cells, other alive Jenova cells…harvested cells that I can feed to my son and revive the dead Jenova within his cells/ Jenova explained. 

"How…how are you going to do this…?" I murmured. 

/You'll see. I'll take care of it/ Jenova's voice hinted with cruelty. 

"…But if his cells are already dead…how can alive cells revive them?" I brushed a palm into my hair, trying to understand it.

/Jenova cells never actually DIE, they simply stop working once their host cells die. They become dormant. Jenova is infused within each cell, so once the cell dies, the Jenova "dies" even though if the cell were to begin working again, the Jenova would also begin working again. Understand?/ she talked to be as though I were a child. 

"Yes, Mother…" I thought it all through in my mind. 

/Good. Now if alive and working Jenova cells were to make contact with the "dead" Jenova cells, they would be able to fuse together and begin working again, bringing the being's normal cells alive too, which are still fused in with the "dead" Jenova cells. Understand?/ she seemed frustrated that she had to explain all this to me. 

"Yes, Mother…" I repeated. I felt like such a stupid child the way she explained it, but at least I understood it. 

/So, take live Jenova cells and fuse them together with "dead" cells and you can revive all the "dead" cells using the alive cells…Hence, make the being alive once more… Reviving Sephiroth/ She made it sound so simple as the chocobo began running across the ocean, towards the icy continent. 

"I see…But won't Sephiroth's cells be decomposing? I…I killed him a while ago…" I reminded her gently. 

/Sephiroth's body fell directly into the LifeStream bubbling under the Crater, which preserves bodies intact. So his cells should still be in good shape, especially since we are trying to revive him so soon. He hasn't been dead for that long…/ Jenova sounded very sad suddenly. 

  
It suddenly hit me and I realized what all this could mean for the Planet and began pleading desperately to Her, "Please…don't revive Sephiroth. I went through hell and back trying to rid the world of him! He's-!"

/YOU have no say in this!! We will do what I want to do!!/ Jenova screamed, cutting me off, suddenly. /You stupid stupid boy! You only have one use for me and I will not tolerate anything from you!! Watch what you say or Tifa will be next!/ She ferociously warned me. 

"What?! N…No! It's no fair! You can't just use me to get to Sephiroth. You're just going to use him again to get what you want! You're just going to manipulate him again like you did before!!" My voice rose with great anger at Her words.

/Silence your tongue!/ Her icy tone seemed to encase my thoughts.

"No! You're just using me!!" I shouted, rage suddenly pounding through me.

/Of course I am! Do you think I would have any real use for you? Do you think I would really care for you? Love you? You're not even my true son! You were born from a foreign mother and Jenova cells were injected and infused into you during Hojo's experiments! I've lived in your mind with you for a long time, but not forever!/ Jenova's words were harsh and full of hate.

"Sephiroth was born of a foreign mother too! Lucrecia was his mother!!" I argued.

/But I was infused with him before birth, making him more of a son to me than you ever will be!/ Her words cut through me like a dagger…the pain had been dealt…

"Y…you don't…care for me? You don't care at all about me? How can you love Sephiroth and not me? I embraced you!! I gave up everything to you!" I was furious with her favoritism for Sephiroth and not me. Jealous, almost. 

/You are a good boy for doing this, and I promised Tifa to be spared. Don't worry, I won't hurt her./ Jenova's promise sounded true, actually.

"But you never even loved me…?" I wanted to know the truth. 

I thought I had felt a connection with Jenova that I had never felt with my biological mother, who hardly cared for me like I always thought a mother should. She didn't neglect me, but she was just so heartbroken, so sad, and hardly ever all 'there' after my father died…

/Why would I love you?/ Her voice was like needles. Sharp, painful, stabbing needles.

"You loved Sephiroth…" my voice low, I was close to tears again.

/Sephiroth…is different. He and I shared the same ideals and we helped eachother out./ Jenova loved Sephiroth, the only one She considered Her true son and that was that. 

"And you…you're just latching onto me like a parasite and manipulating me to get to Sephiroth!" My sorrow changed to anger at Her for not loving me…She never loved me!! I was misled by my own self.

/You knew that before! You know what I am! You and I both know how much you despised me and wished I would just leave you alone. Well, soon will be your chance when I WILL leave you alone entirely and permanently./ She blurted out a little of what lay ahead.

"What do you mean?" I was cautious…cautious of what sort of plan she had in mind and how I related to it exactly…

/You'll see…You'll see once we reach the Northern Crater, where Sephiroth's body lies in it's quiet slumber, soon to be broken./ She spoke so softly I could barely hear.

"………" I was silent for a long time. Her words actually had hurt me and I had nothing left to say to her, but my hatred began to grow again. 

/That's it? You're not going to say anything more?/ Jenova questioned, as if expecting me to continue arguing.

"What more can I say? I can't change anything no matter what…I can't stop you from reviving Sephiroth with your plan and then just latching onto his mind, leaving me…But…what means that you'll leave me alone for good after Sephiroth is revived…?" I didn't think it would be possible for Her to leave for good. 

I could never remember a time when I didn't have Jenova. Her cells have been within me for what seemed like forever-Her thoughts always invading mine, and Her cruel voice always echoing in my memory.

/You'll see, my child. Soon, it will be complete. I'm sacrificing everything for him./ She promised me, Her voice strangely sullen.

"What do you mean…everything?" Again, caution built up inside of me. I realized that I truly didn't know anything about how She wanted to accomplish Her mission.

/You will see! Be patient!!/ She sternly commanded and I fell silent once more. 

There was absolutely nothing I could do…arguing with the evil entity wouldn't help at all. I was just a passenger really. All I could do was sit and watch what She was doing with me. She was using my body to get what She wanted… For a moment, I remembered why I hated Jenova so much…

When She first embraced me, I felt warmth and what I thought was love, and I wondered how I ever lived without this warmth and comfort. But now that her true intentions are shining through, I remember what it's like to hate this terrible creature that has ruined my life and sent me through absolute hell. 

And I was powerless. I had given myself to Her in exchange for Tifa's safety…and this was the price…

Was it worth it, now that I know Her true colors? Was Tifa's life worth reviving Sephiroth? Would I rather Sephiroth be dead, or Tifa be dead? It was a hard choice in my mind. I loved Tifa, but my hatred for Sephiroth still burned deep. 

Why…why had Jenova ruined my life? Why couldn't I have been normal?! Then I wouldn't have to deal with anything like this!

/We are reaching the Northern Crater, puppet…Soon…soon, we will complete this/ She sighed with anticipation. 

The snowy Crater swelled above the earth, nothing but a sore for the Planet…

I sighed deeply, wondering what sort of fate lay for me within those walls. Jenova led my chocobo right up to the lip of the giant scar, the spiral leading to the center seeming so endless as I looked at it from above.

"Jenova…What will happen to me?" I had a terrible fear that She was using me just to throw me away…

/Quiet, Cloud. You will see. We must find Sephiroth at the center in the LifeStream./ She hissed. 

I obediently began descending into the Crater, my heart pounding, my spirits dying with every step. My lungs felt heavy, my footsteps felt like lead. My twisted and deformed arms hung trembling beside me, my fleshy blades tilted upward, as if ready for any attack. 

The monsters that dwelled in the Crater strayed away from me, their eyes gleaming in the dim light as they silently walked past. I wasn't sure why they didn't pick a fight with me. Did they recognize me as one of their own? Had I become just another monster to them? A monster…

I didn't have my Ultima Weapon with me and I missed it a lot, actually. I always had that sword strapped to my back, and now that the weight is gone…I just feel a little empty, just a little off from the usual. 

It sounds stupid, but I felt unsafe without my weapon that I had learned how to wield so perfectly throughout the years. It was the sword that struck down Sephiroth…and now I'm on my way to reviving him on Jenova's orders

…my gods, what have I become? Nothing more than a puppet til the end, I suppose…

The light from the LifeStream grew brighter as I neared it slowly. After I had defeated Sephiroth, the LifeStream exploded from the Crater, throwing the Highwind from the air practically while it rushed to the aid of Holy. Since the destruction of Midgar, the LifeStream withdrew back into the Planet, but this hole- the Crater- never healed and eventually settled back down to what it is now.

And I suddenly found myself standing where I hoped to have to never stand again…

I had reached the center, the LifeStream bubbling beneath my feet alongside the edge…


	7. freedom tasted

Sweat beaded around my brow and my pulse seemed to tremble through my body, tears swelling in my eyes. I shook involuntarily. 

I was exhausted; physically, mentally, and emotionally. Every ounce of my muscle begged for sleep, but Jenova had forced me onward to my destiny. My mind was weeping, my spirits were broken and my body was bruised. I felt so close to death. 

I sighed and glanced up, sorrow weighing heavy on my soul, to see the LifeStream gathering around a single body floating in the center of the spiraling whirlpool at the center of the crater. 

Jealousy… Jealousy ripped through my rib cage as I saw his pleasant sleeping face. Large cuts and red gashes marred his perfect flesh, his perfect face. Why did Jenova love him more than me?! 

My breath was struggling in my lungs, as I tried to breathe in the warm mist the air held. Jenova's caress scurried through my mind once more. 

/Sephiroth! Ah! There he is!/ She exclaimed with a great deal of enthusiasm.

I shared none of this enthusiasm. 

"How…are you going to revive him?" I choked back my own tears of rejection.

/Calm yourself, puppet… You will know when the time is right/ She promised. /Now, let's pick him up and bring him out of the LifeStream/ She instructed me and I followed. 

I dove into the warm green waters that swam with the spirits of the dead. The LifeStream seemed so thick I could barely move, or maybe it was just that I didn't want to swim towards my enemy at a fast rate. 

/Hurry!/ Jenova shouted furiously. /We have almost accomplished our goal!/

I sighed deeply and swallowed the bitter taste of defeat, of ultimate rejection, and of lost hope as I reached his body, his silver hair encircling his corpse, floating majestically in tiny heavenly spirals through the emerald waters. He looked like a sleeping angel. 

Brother, why have you beaten me in the end? Why has Mother chosen you over me?

Your fall from grace only served as the platform from where I was bound to be pushed off from. And now here I am. The edge of infinity, it feels like. The end of everything once I pull you from the haunted water, swimming with ghosts of the past. 

Once I reach you up to Mother, she will push me back down. Why had I given up everything for you? My god, what have I done? When did I deserve this? 

Sephiroth's emotionless face didn't twitch as I mentally clutched at the last ounce of myself. Jenova was rushing through my mind and my cells were trembling in sick anticipation.

What was to become of me? 

I reached the shore, pulling Sephiroth's eerily light body up onto the rocks of the Crater. 

/Excellent!! Excellent, puppet! Now we can harvest you./ Jenova's voice snarled with fierce passion and my hands began to shake involuntarily.

"J, Jenova!" I screamed and fell to my knees, trembling as my life began to bleed out of me. 

A rotting sensation spread as every fiber in my body split open, intense pain ignited. I didn't realize what was happening. I could barely open my eyes as I lay doubled over on the cold rocks. It felt like every individual cell was opening up, spilling it's contents, blood soaked up from my skin like rain soaking through muddy soil. 

"W…what…!!" I screamed in pain and begged for mercy, my body going into shock and the sickening wave of nausea sweeping over me. 

Slippery warm blood coated my limbs and I felt it seeping down my throat and into my lungs as they broke apart, the hot coppery taste burning my mouth. Tears laced through the blood on my face and my screams felt foreign as I shouted for mercy. 

I cried. I cried desperately. I cried out to Jenova for relief. 

My own body had turned against me now. Jenova's breath spliced my cells in two as the Jenova life crawled from my cells towards Sephiroth, lying facedown in a puddle of silver. 

/Harvest your cells for Sephiroth. By combining the healthy Jenova parts of your cells with his Jenova we can awaken his and revive him entirely!/ Jenova's voice sounded so far off in the darkness. 

I couldn't see, I couldn't breathe. I felt hot tears all over my face, yet I couldn't feel myself crying anymore. I couldn't hear myself desperately screaming for that last ounce of hope and relief that I was begging for. 

Then, just when I thought I couldn't bare it any longer…

There was nothing. 

Everything closed, zipped shut fast. I opened my eyes, the sting gone, and my senses sprang to life. The soil below was swept with strawberry fields amidst a world of violets, shimmering in the sunlight, beneath the warm vanilla skies. The winds breathed refreshing life through me and I saw beauty.

Absolute beauty. 

Something so unfamiliar…

I tasted freedom as the last of the Jenova drained from my cells. 

I could practically feel my cells struggled to reconstruct themselves from the tattered remains the Jenova left in its wake. She was gone. My mind felt so empty without that voice lingering, without that touch always holding me down. It was as though I was opening my eyes for the first time.

I was never to hear that voice again. She was gone. My pupils dilated in the sudden light and I watched the thousands of violets sway in the unseen wind beneath me. I was born again. I never knew this was what life was like. 

"You're dying," Zack's voice cracked the image of the violets and my vision shattered like glass, breaking away into nothingness. 

"I'm dying?" I whispered in the cold. 

"Your cells cannot possibly fuse themselves back together after wrenching away the only thing that gave them the intense life they've grown accustomed to- Jenova. Without your Jenova binding your cells together…" Zack trailed off and blood splattered on the blackened walls. 

"Cloud…" a different voice grabbed my attention now. A voice I knew. 

"She's no longer with you. But are you truly free? Your cells don't know how to live without their life. She's dragged herself from you to save Sephiroth, but now you are dying. Open your eyes, Cloud," Zack ordered me. 

"Cloud…" the voice sobbed and I felt someone kissing my forehead. 

"Open your eyes!" Zack demanded. 

A sense of panic and urgency crept up on me and the sobbing voice sounded sadder and sadder. Someone was touching my face. 

"Wake up!" Zack screamed and my eyes snapped open. 

The green glow from the LifeStream bounced off a darkened figure leaning over me. I was lying on my back, my hearing restored. 

Someone was laughing. 

…I hear him laughing… He's always laughing…

"Cloud," the voice sobbed as the laughter grew louder. 

…She's gone. She's gone. She's gone. I can finally sleep. 

"Wake up!" Zack echoed with more panic than before, and my eyes lazily shifted towards the person leaning over me. Long brown hair, a gloved hand touching my cheek…

Deep ruby wine colored eyes drooping with sorrow…


	8. uncertainty

****

Chapter 8

"Cloud, I never believed you… I never believed you…" She cried, her almond eyes spilling with tears. 

Tifa. My heart ached and I caught my breath. She was the one thing I've only ever asked for.

"How did you get here…" I weakly moaned, barely able to move my hand up to reach hers.

She grasped my hand tightly and I noticed my hand looked entirely normal. It was restored to its original state before Jenova mutated me. 

The eerie jade glow from the LifeStream shadowed her face and she smiled and shook her head. 

"Cloud…why…I understand why. I never knew…" she whispered sadly and lay my hand back down on my chest, over my heart. 

"Tifa…don't leave me. Please…don't leave me," I cried, not caring about the tears streaking down my blood stained cracked skin, stinging my flesh. 

"Get away from him," someone ordered. 

Everything slowed way down as she stood and backed away from me, fading into the background. The hideous laughter I had heard before replaced the stale echo of my own heartbeat in my ears. 

"…tifa…" I strained to recite her name aloud. Why couldn't she hear me!?

"Thank you, 'Brother'," Sephiroth leaned over me, his silver hair falling towards my face, his face stretched into a smile, his laughter haunting my thoughts. 

I struggled to breathe as my lungs were still reconstructing themselves from experiencing all my Jenova being torn out of them. But slowly my cells were fusing together, healing. There was a time long ago when I had no Jenova in me, so I knew my cells could live without it… 

"You are free from Jenova and I thank you for sacrificing your life in order to save mine. Mother is pleased with you for once, you failure. Now, her and I can resume our mission," Sephiroth laughed again.

I shook my head, still feeling weak. My arms shook as I pushed myself off the ground with lots of effort and knelt, breathing heavily, staring right at Sephiroth's boots. My body felt like it weighed a ton, like my limbs were bloated with water. 

How was it that I was even still alive and conscious? Surely I didn't have enough blood in my veins after being split open… I tried to look up at Sephiroth. 

"No…it's just Jenova speaking through you. She's got you under her control again. Where's Tifa?" I mumbled, trying to steady my breathing.

"Cloud…" Tifa shook her head. She was standing behind Sephiroth, her face frozen in utter shock and disbelief, like she'd just seen some cataclysmic event occur. 

"One false move, Strife, and I'll kill her!" Sephiroth spat arrogantly as he noticed my feeble attempt to crawl near her. 

"How did you get here?" I attempted to glance up and saw Sephiroth was actually holding Tifa's arm tight and her eyes were red with tears. Had the two been fighting?

What had happened? I felt like everything was suddenly moving so fast around me. 

"I…I followed you. I followed you all the way here after meeting you in Junon…after I saw your arms, I thought maybe you were telling the truth about Jenova," She stopped for a moment and our eyes met before she looked away again. 

She wiped away tears from her eyes and waved her arm around, like she was frustrated, "And I don't know what the hell is going on… Sephiroth…I saw you pick up Sephiroth and suddenly Jenova was around and I just…I just don't know what's going on, what to think anymore," her voice no longer held that tinge of fear she once had for me, instead I heard pity and some panic. 

"Don't move, Strife!" Sephiroth warned once I struggled to stand. 

"I saw everything, Cloud. I can't believe it…I don't know what to say, what to think… What the fuck is going on here anyway?" Tifa's voice growled as she pulled her arm away from Sephiroth. 

"I can explain…" my voice was rasping and I coughed up some blood painfully. 

"Shut up, Strife!" Sephiroth commanded me, but I crawled towards Tifa on my belly. 

She bent down towards me. 

"You owe me your life, Sephiroth. Without my Jenova you would still be dead," I smiled. 

"Don't move!" Sephiroth instructed Tifa and held up his hand. 

Tifa glared at him. "Just tell me what the fuck is going on here!" Her voice was growing with anger. 

I reached my arm towards Tifa and suddenly I felt Sephiroth's boot weighing heavy on my back as he stomped on me, stopping me in my pathetic crawl, crushing my still-forming lungs. 

"T…Tif…Tifa…" I choked as the breath escaped from my lungs. 

"You will die now, you pathetic creature. Your purpose is done. You have done exactly what you had been created to do. Now you're no longer needed. Where's my Masamune?" Sephiroth grabbed me by my hair and lifted me from the ground. 

"Let go of him!" Tifa shouted suddenly and held her fist back before tensing her muscles and punching Sephiroth, catching his jaw with her fist. 

He fell back a step and released me from his clutch. He rubbed his sore jaw. 

"That, my dear, was not a good idea…" he snarled at her through clenched teeth. 

"No! I wanna know just what the hell is going on! How the hell are you alive? What happened to Cloud? What happened to Jenova? I saw it all and I realized Cloud wasn't lying. I'm not about to leave him here to die by your hands!" Tifa defiantly raised her fists and flicked back some hair from her watery eyes. 

I smiled weakly. "You...forgive me?" I collapsed to my knees, after Sephiroth threw me down. 

Her stern eyes softened as she gazed at me. "I…I don't know. I don't know what to think or say or feel. Everything is happening so fast!" her eyes darted back to Sephiroth. 

"You got mixed up in something that you should've never even known about. And I'm not sure if I can let either of you leave here. Strife, make one move towards me and I'll snap her neck!" Sephiroth's eyes seemed so calm and confident, Jenova was reflecting in them. 

I tried standing up, but my body felt so heavy. Everything suddenly fell down around me in an exhilarating rush. 

I was losing consciousness quickly and I felt the ground hit my cheek cold as ice. Tifa was screaming something and Sephiroth was threatening something, but it all seemed so surreal, so unbelievable. 

Without Jenova talking in my head constantly, I couldn't even be sure if this was a dream or not. To be free of her control… it had been so long since I've been without her. Mako still thrived in my cells…that might be the only reason why I'm not dead yet. 

Without my Jenova, I'm not as resilient as I used to be…Sephiroth would win in a fight now. Especially since he now has double the Jenova he used to have. All the Jenova in the world are now in his body, instead of mine. 

It all seems so unreal. Tifa…Sephiroth…Jenova…LifeStream… Will I wake up and find this all just some terrible nightmare? Will Cid be alive? Will the cuts on my arms vanish? I would do anything to undo what I have done now…

"Cloud! Cloud!" Tifa was shouting my name as I slipped away. 


	9. floating between death and life

****

Chapter 9

Sweat and blood mixed with my tears. I felt like I had a fever, like I was falling fast. Jenova has seemed so important to me a moment ago and now she seemed so far away. Everything was so distant. 

Tifa? Where are you? I don't want to leave you with Sephiroth…

…but I'm just so tired, so tired, so tired…

"Cloud, now look what you've become… Nothing but a mess. I told you to wake up, but you didn't stay awake…" Zack's angry voice pushed into my mind. 

"Zack, I never meant for things to get this bad," I admitted. 

"Now what will Tifa think of you?" Zack snickered. 

"What happened, Zack? What's going on? I don't remember anything? Why is Tifa…and Sephiroth? How did he…?" I couldn't collect my thoughts properly and everything I said was all jumbled letters floating through my mind. 

Zack laughed and shook his head. 

"Tifa followed you from Junon. Don't you remember seeing her in Junon? And you told her it was Jenova and to believe you? You showed her your mutated arms?" Zack asked. 

I remember…

"Good, so then it would make sense to you that perhaps she was curious and followed you because she thought perhaps you were telling the truth and perhaps indeed it was Jenova doing all this to you and causing you such hell…" Zack raised an eyebrow. 

I thought about it all and remembered…

"You tried to kill me… I remember that time in the bathroom. You slashed my wrists with the broken lightbulb. And, …and when Jenova tried to kill me in the ivory room. Yes, I've felt more pain in my life than any other 21 year old. I've seen absolute hell and been through absolute despair. I don't want Tifa getting hurt. I don't want to leave her with Sephiroth. Let me fight him… Let me kill him one last time… for good. Once I kill him, all the Jenova will be destroyed…" my thoughts were all mashed together. A moment of reflection felt like a moment of clarity. 

"Hahaha…don't be stupid, Cloud. In this state you are completely harmless. You can't even stay conscious for more than a few minutes. How do you intend to fight Sephiroth? You've finally gotten Tifa to understand you in the worst possible way. Isn't that good? Go to her now. Wake up, dammit! She needs you now!" Zack stamped his foot. 

"You're not making sense!" I shouted to him, shaking my head, holding my hair tight with both hands. 

"I'm not making sense? Listen to you! You've got to wake up!! Your mind has been through more trauma than your physical body can understand and you must wake up or you will die!" Zack's voice suddenly shrieked with such urgency and alarm. 

"I can't wake up! I'm so tired, Zack! I'm so tired!!" I cried. "I just want to rest now. Jenova. She drained me, physically and emotionally and mentally. I'm nothing now! She's taken everything from me and left me with nothing, absolutely nothing!! Dammit, you can't understand how much torture I've been through! Let me rest!" I cried softly. 

"Wake up or you will die!! Are you not understanding this?!" Zack pounded the thoughts into my head. "Tifa will be left all alone and the planet won't have you to defend itself against Sephiroth! You MUST wake up!"

"No…please… I've given up everything for Tifa…" I moaned sadly. 

"And now you are finally free… Free of Jenova, free of that fear she forever imposed on you. You are finally free. Summon your strength and wake up!" he was growing visibly angry with me.

"I still hardly know what's going on. I just remember dragging Sephiroth's body from the LifeStream and resting it on the rocks. Jenova was speaking to me… What happened then? I have no memory…" I struggled to recall what had happened to me and how Tifa and Sephiroth appeared. 

"That's unimportant right now. You just have to wake up immediately or you will never wake up!" Zack's eyes flared. 

"Ok…Ok, I'm trying. I'm trying…but I'm so tired…I need to wake up for Tifa…" I told myself and wrestled with sleep. 

The dead weights over my eyes were the hardest to struggle against and I put all my weary effort into pulling myself from my dreams and back into reality. I was so tired, but I thought of Tifa's scarred face and I made my mind jolt awake, Zack smiling satisfactorily. 

My eyes burned as I forcefully opened them towards a bright light. The light dimmed to a green hue and I sadly recalled where I was. 

"Cloud!" Sephiroth's voice was surprised. "You're still alive?"

I summoned everything I had and stood up, my legs shaking, my breath unsteady. 

"How could your cells have survived? After being infused with Jenova for so many years, they would surely die after being split apart from them. Ah, then it must be the Mako that it stringing you alive, holding you by the thread…" he grinned. 

Tifa's fists were still raised. "Cloud, I have so many thoughts…I …I don't know what's going on," she turned towards Sephiroth, "but I'm not about to let you hurt Cloud after all I've seen!" Tifa insisted, taking a step towards Sephiroth. 

"Tifa…no…please," I struggled to remain standing. 

Tifa made a move towards me, walking slowly, but Sephiroth stepped in front of her. 

"Not a move, my dear. Don't you dare go near him!" He spat. "Strife, don't you move either! Until I decide what has to be done with you two unfortunate souls!" he yelled back to me. 

"That's it! You get the fuck out of my way right now!" Tifa screamed and boldly punched him in his side, shoving him over. 

Sephiroth was hardly phased by her attack and began laughing as she ran to my side, putting my arm over her shoulder and helping me to stand. 

"Hahaha…simple, simple, girl…I'm the most powerful man alive and you dare to touch me? To shove me aside? You get away from Strife right now. He and I have a score to settle…" Sephiroth's eyes darted back to mine and I winced from the Jenova sharply glaring at me through his eyes. 

"No! I don't know what the hell has been going on! And until someone explains to me… How are you alive? We killed you! Cloud killed you! This isn't possible!" she sobbed and I began to feel my consciousness slipping away again. 

"He's so weak, he's going to die anyway, let me kill him. You will never understand the power of Jenova even if I were to explain it to you, you stupid girl…" He brushed back a strand of silver hair from his face and smiled. 

"Don't you dare touch Cloud!" she held me close. 

"Don't you dare tell me what to do!" Sephiroth smirked as though it was a joke. "Do you even know who you are talking to?"

"Sephiroth…leave us alone…" I weakly mumbled, leaning heavily on Tifa who stood fast to her ground, not wincing under Sephiroth's stare. 

My worst nightmare…my very worst nightmare… If Tifa weren't here, I would've already given up. I would've already fallen asleep permanently. 

"Tifa…" I looked at her strong face with her fist raised and her arm wrapped around me, supporting me and I gained strength from her. 

"I'm not going to be this nice anymore, Tifa! We've known eachother in the past and we both know what the other is capable of! I have been reborn, my dear! I have Cloud's Jenova and my own fully functional Jenova, and I am ten times stronger than you can imagine. I am almost godlike!" he roared. 

"I don't want to have to murder you and slash your pretty face again like Cloud did. Did you forget about that? You're hugging the boy who once tried to murder you! You're protecting the boy who brutally snapped Cid's neck! …Who attacked you a couple times with intent to kill you! Have you forgotten all about those incidents?" Sephiroth knew he hit a soft spot as Tifa's face changed. 

"Cloud…" she looked at me. "No, Cloud's not like that. I know he isn't. I've known it in my heart all along. I knew it was Jenova and not him doing that. I just knew it. He would never do these things voluntarily. I've known him since we were children growing up in Nibelheim together!" Tifa desperately called, trying to deny her own panic. 

"The scar on your arm? The stitches on your slit cheek? All done by Cloud. He's insane, Tifa, don't you remember what the doctors at Junon said?" Sephiroth laughed again and again, waving his arm as though he could take no more laughter. 

"Please…Sephiroth…Stop…" I cried out to him in desperation. I needed Tifa to stay with me. I needed her there with me, next to me. I couldn't have her turn against me now…

"No…" Tifa's expression turned to one of hopelessness and she shook her head. 

"Tifa," I weakly croaked to her, grasping tightly to her arm, "Please…its Jenova talking, not Sephiroth. Sephiroth wouldn't be able to know everything that's been going on lately," I paused to cough and continued, "His body has been here. It's not him talking. Its all Jenova talking, the same evil thing that was living inside of me… It knows everything about me…" I stopped speaking as I caught Sephiroth's eyes staring into mine, but all I could see was Jenova. 

"You're right, Cloud. Mother does know everything about you after living inside your head for so many years. You and her are finally free of eachother. You're supposed to be dead, the transition of Jenova from your body to mine should've killed you, torn you apart," he grinned. 

"I'm stronger than you'd think," I half-heartedly smirked. 

"Cloud…" Tifa's voice shook and she looked over at Sephiroth, "Jenova? No…No, it's this nightmare all over again!" she shrieked. 

Sephiroth began laughing, a deep and hollow sound that sent chills up my spine. 

"I am indestructible now. And since you no longer have your Jenova, that makes you considerably weaker. Hahaha…"Sephiroth clutched his stomach with laughter.

"What do you want from me, Jenova? I've given you everything and you promised not to hurt Tifa, so please, just let us leave," I pleaded. 

"You sound so pathetic. Ha! I never thought I'd see the day when Cloud Strife would be begging for mercy from the great Sephiroth, pleading to escape with his life, knowing he will lose the battle at hand. Hmhmhm…" he chuckled and shook his head. 

"What do you want?" I raised my voice, growing tired of everything. 

"Don't you want to sleep, Cloud? You haven't slept in a while, you know. You haven't had a peaceful rest since…hm, well, since before your experiments with Hojo. That's quite a long time, Cloud," Sephiroth took a couple steps closer to me. 

"Stay away from me…Get back, Jenova. I'm done with you!" I warned him. 

"No, Cloud. It's me, Sephiroth. Jenova and I are together at last, but it is I standing before you, not Jenova. She has left your tired weary soul and transferred all her energy and power to me," he smiled, his teeth gleaming white. 

"Sephiroth, don't come near us! I'm warning you! I'll fight you if I have to!" Tifa put up her fists in a battle stance and her eyes narrowed at Sephiroth.

"You think you can fight me? Don't you understand how glorious my return is? Ha! You pathetic souls have no idea the absolute power I hold now. Ahahahaha!!" his laugh hinted with insanity, his eyes glittering in the dim light. 

"Dammit! Goddamn! It's all my fault! This is all MY fault!!" I shouted angrily at myself. "Fuck! If only I was stronger, if only Jenova hadn't broken me so easily, if only she hadn't tortured me the way she did, if only I could've stopped myself from swimming into the LifeStream…none of this woulda happened!! Goddamn! I hate myself for this!" I screamed desperately at myself, pounding my forehead with my fist again and again. 

"Cloud, we can't worry about faults right now," Tifa pushed me aside, "We have much bigger things to worry about, please, Cloud. I know there was nothing you can do against the power of Jenova…" she glared back at Sephiroth. 

"Yes, it is your fault. And I thank you for being so weak. Mother thanks you too. She will keep her promise, and I will keep her promise," he glanced over at Tifa. 

"Cloud? What promise?" Tifa whispered to me. 

"Jenova promised she wouldn't harm you if I did exactly what she wanted and sacrificed myself entirely to her will…" I mumbled sadly, the gray world seemed to wilt around me. 


	10. rest now

****

Chapter 10

"You…you sacrificed yourself for me? You unleashed a terrible evil on the world and let it consume you so that I would be safe?" her mouth hung open in surprise.

"Yeah…" I trailed off, suddenly getting dizzy. 

"Oh…how…could…" she turned away, and I lowered my head, staring at the rock ground. Did she hate me more because of this? 

"Sorry to interrupt this moment of truth between you two, but, Tifa, please step aside. I'm not going to hurt you, but…" Sephiroth smiled, happy to see me in such a weakened state. 

"Cloud…I…I never knew you would …give up everything…" Tifa just stood staring at the ground, away from me, motionless. She slowly let my arm drop from her shoulder. 

I felt so dizzy and anxious that my hands were shaking and my heart pounded furiously with irregular beats popping in my chest. I was fighting to stay awake, remembering what Zack had said. I was a corpse, plain and simple, a walking barely breathing corpse.

"How could you!?" She screamed, throwing her arms up in anger. "We worked so hard to defeat Sephiroth…"

"But, Tifa…I'm free of Jenova…please you must understand! Please!" I begged desperately.

"Why would you…I just can't believe….I'm at a complete loss of words…I…" she sighed and trailed off, shaking her head. "I don't even know what to believe, what to think…"

I didn't know if she was angry or sad. But I felt nothing- no emotion, just hollow… I was so exhausted, drained of my life, and too busy fighting off sleep that I never even saw Sephiroth move. 

He tackled me to the ground, my body easily crumbling beneath his force, his fists pummeling my face. I couldn't fight back- my arms were paralyzed and my body went numb. The sleepiness began to settle in again and my weary eyes began to shut. 

"No! You can't! He's dying!" I barely heard Tifa yell these words through all the static that hissed in my ears, more emotion in her voice than I thought possible. 

I lazily glanced to the side to watch Tifa grab Sephiroth's long silvery hair back and knee him right in the jaw, bringing her leg up to kick him in his cheek. 

He flew backwards, his weight off of me. 

"Cloud gave up his mind, his world, his everything for me!!" she cried, hugging me. 

I suddenly found myself looking up at Tifa as she lay over me, protecting me, her face stained with tears and her eyes locked on Sephiroth. He had fallen several feet away, but was quickly back on his feet. 

"Get up!" he told Tifa. 

I could feel her heart beating fast, but I was too dizzy to focus on her expression. She sounded afraid. 

"No! Don't hurt him! He gave up everything he had so you could be reborn! Can't you leave us alone?!" she screamed. 

"Tifa, get up! This ends now between Strife and I. Don't get in the way!" he shouted, but he didn't move closer. 

"I'm not leaving him until you leave us!" her voice shook. 

"Why won't Mother allow me to hurt you!!" he growled, grinding his teeth. 

"What?" I seemed to awaken a bit as I heard these words.

Mother wouldn't let Sephiroth hurt Tifa…she wouldn't even let him hurt Tifa so he could get to kill me! Mother kept her promise to me!

"She won't let me break your promise!" Sephiroth snarled at me, his frustration practically wavering through the air. 

"Tifa…stay with … me… He won't hurt me…" I trailed off, but she understood. 

Maybe that meant that Mother really did love me if she keeps her promise even when she doesn't have to, even when she can easily accomplish her goals sooner by having me dead through letting Sephiroth kill Tifa… Maybe Jenova truly loved me as she loved Sephiroth. 

And that's all I have asked for. Love. Whether it is love from Tifa, or love from Jenova, I just wanted to be loved. 

"She loves me…?" I mumbled, thinking of Jenova, struggling to organize my thoughts. 

Tifa turned her eyes to meet mine. 

"Yes, I love you, Cloud," She suddenly announced, but my eyes began to dim as I was once more dipping into unconsciousness. I wanted to reply, to tell her how much I loved her again, but my lips were numb. 

When had Tifa made the decision to help me, to protect me from Sephiroth, I don't know. When had she made up her mind that I was telling the truth and when did she believe that I had given up everything for her? When was the exact moment she decided to save my life from Sephiroth by shielding me with her own? I wish I knew.

I kept slipping in and out of consciousness, hearing bits of Sephiroth and Tifa arguing, neither moving from their spots. Jenova was refusing to allow Sephiroth to harm Tifa, keeping her promise to me, which I viewed as a subtle way for Jenova to admit that she loves me…still. 

The vile substance would probably never actually say that she loves me, the lesser of her two 'sons'. But this act, this promise that she kept, this sacrifice I had made…this is what convinced me that she did love me. 

And I couldn't wake up. I felt myself sink low into my body and fade away, the world closing in black and soundless. 

I don't remember actually falling asleep, and I don't remember dreaming anything at all. It just felt like I was closing my eyes for an instant. Zack and Sephiroth had both vanished from my memory. Jenova's virus no longer coursed through my veins, her voice out of my thoughts completely. 

It was so quiet in my head without Zack or somebody constantly talking, like how I was used to….it was kinda lonely. …All by myself in my head for once. I didn't realize that there was so much always going on in my mind- lots of talking and stuff like that- until it was gone. 

But my mind itself was finally at rest. I no longer needed Zack or Sephiroth there to comfort me or advise me or help me to assess situations. I felt my insecurity vanish because I knew I had love now. 

The only love I really needed to put my thoughts at ease was the love from a mother and the love from Tifa. And now, I was reassured that I had both. I felt rested, entirely. I didn't feel the need to struggle with consciousness anymore. I wanted to sleep forever, feeling happy, feeling satisfied finally. 

Jenova loved me. Tifa loved me. That was all I needed. I could have slept forever. 

But something woke me up. It was coldness. I was shivering and I opened my eyes lazily, feeling them sting. My body no longer ached, but a seeping coldness chilled my bones. 

I realized I was in a bed, with a heavy quilt pulled on top of me up to my chin. I shivered uncontrollably. I couldn't remember for the life of me what had happened and where I had ended up. 


	11. Tifa's POV

**This is Tifa's POV after Cloud passes out from the last chapter- just to tell you a little bit about what happens while Cloud is asleep. I tried to make the way Tifa narrates a little different from the way Cloud narrates…**

Cloud smiled dreamily up at me, his eyes focusing on something far off. His hand holding mine suddenly grew heavy and his body went limp onto the ground.

"Cloud? Cloud!" I shouted, holding his head up. My heart ached with a thousand torn emotions. 

Sephiroth began laughing. 

"Fuck you!" I shouted at him. His laughter was silenced. 

"No need for profanity, Miss Lockhart. I'm enjoying this scene immensely," he chuckled again. "Now, move out of the way. He's already probably dead…"

I traced his chest with my hand and stopped, looking for a heartbeat. Slow and steady, his heart still beat. 

"He isn't dead, you bastard!" I couldn't stop the angry tears seeping down my cheeks. 

"He isn't?!" Sephiroth's chuckling ceased and his eyes hardened. "How can he NOT be dead yet?!"

He rushed forward and grabbed Cloud's limp arm from under mine. He pulled Cloud's heavy body up in an instant before I could stop him. 

"Sephiroth!" I yelled and bolted forward, ready to beat the hell out of him. 

He flung Cloud on the ground, his body landing with a dull thud. It was sickening- I was afraid Sephiroth would break Cloud's fragile bones. 

"Stay away from him!" I threw all my weight into Sephiroth knocking him forwards into the pool of LifeStream that still boiled alongside us. 

He turned and grabbed my shoulder, bringing me into the emerald liquid with him. 

"Mother says I cannot kill you, but you are turning into a bigger pest than she thought…" he spat. 

The gooey LifeStream churned around us, and I fought towards the rocky edge. Cloud lay motionless on his back. I needed to reach him before Sephiroth did. 

Sephiroth was also struggling in the waters and reached the shore first, kicking me in the face as he climbed out. I tried to grab a hold of his boot, but he was too quick, slamming me in the face with it. I was shoved backward and when I resurfaced, I saw Sephiroth standing near Cloud, his hand pressed tight around Cloud's neck.

"Sephiroth!" I shrieked and hauled myself from the water as quick as I could.

"And now you will die- pathetic and alone in this world and the next," Sephiroth whispered to Cloud, his hands still wrapped chokingly tight.

"NO!" I shouted, trying to wrestle Sephiroth's hands away from Cloud's neck. 

Cloud was oblivious to it all, peacefully sleeping. 

I slapped Sephiroth hard in his face. A loud smack suddenly halted our struggle. His eyes narrowed at me. 

"That was a mistake! Mother says I can't hurt you, but you are becoming more than a simple threat!" He released Cloud and held my wrists instead, talking close to my face.

"Let go of me!" I yelled, my anger reaching its peak. 

He threw me down with such force that I was sure I couldn't get back up. My shoulder that I had landed on ached fiercely, but I didn't want to leave Cloud at Sephiroth's mercy. My rage had reached its limit. 

Sephiroth had turned his attention back to Cloud and I stood, pain rippling through my muscles and my breath was uneven. 

"Final Heaven!" I shouted and performed my exasperating final limit break in its entirety. 

The final punch to Sephiroth's face threw him back against the far wall of the cavern, the rock cracking from his weight. 

I didn't even bother to pay much attention as to whether or not Sephiroth was ok. I rushed to Cloud's side, picking him up with all my strength. He weighed more than I thought, but my adrenaline was pumping through my veins and I dragged him, half running, as far away from Sephiroth as I could. 

I needed to get him out of there. I had to get him safe! My feelings were so confused with this boy that I was trying to save. He wanted to take my life, so why would I save his? That's what Sephiroth had argued. 

But that was all Jenova before and now I knew it. I saw it in his eyes and felt it in his words when he told me. I knew it was the truth. Conflicts still raged within me, but I tried to silence those voices by reassuring myself that I was saving his life for the better. 

"Tifa! You can't possibly be trying to get away with him!" Sephiroth's voice was far off behind me, yelling. 

My shoulder ached intensely and I realized I wouldn't be able to carry Cloud up out of the crater. I looked back to see Sephiroth staggered towards me, just getting up from the attack. He looked weakened, but not by much. 

"Tifa…" he growled in between gasps of air. 

I was praying for a miracle. After everything that had happened, my mind was exhausted and I couldn't think of any ways out. Half of me just wanted to give in and let Sephiroth kill Cloud…but my other half couldn't let Cloud go after hearing all he had to sacrifice for me. It would be too easy to just allow Sephiroth to kill Cloud and then perhaps everything Cloud suffered through would be for nothing if I were to just hand his body over to the enemy.

I continued to climb, pulling Cloud alongside me, half of him leaning on me, half of him dragging. I wouldn't be able to get away in time, judging from how fast Sephiroth was traveling towards me. 

His emerald eyes gleamed fierce in the glow from the LifeStream. His crazed smile reminded me of a lunatic. 

"Get away from us!!" I shouted and felt the rocks under my feet slipping. 

Sephiroth was grinning. 

No! It can't end like this! 

His Mako-lit green eyes pierced me and I began to feel true fear rub my spine. I knew I was safe from Sephiroth, but Cloud wasn't. And I was his only hope now that he had passed out. He was too weak to fight anyway…his condition would worsen if he tried.

I held Cloud's arm wrapped around my shoulder and felt my leg muscles tighten and ache as I pulled us up the edge of the crater inch by inch, knowing Sephiroth was gaining. 

Sweat was streaking the dirt on my face and I desperately clawed at the dirt and rocks with my free hand, trying to find a foothole to help me climb. Cloud was too heavy for me and I felt him slipping. 

"No!!" I cried. 

I heard Sephiroth so close now and I gave up my strength, my arms and legs aching terribly from the climb. Looking down, I saw I had climbed about halfway out…but I couldn't make it. 

But I had gone so far! I couldn't stop now!

I closed my eyes for a second, catching my breath and I felt a hand suddenly grab my boot. I gasped and kicked Sephiroth in the face. 

"Pathetic creature! I'm sick of this! I'm ending it now!" he yanked me down by my ankle and I landed next to him on a small ledge, Cloud dropped to the rocky ledge with a dull thud, his face bloody from scraping against the rocks. 

"Cloud!" I called, but he was still unconscious. 

Sephiroth's lip was bleeding from my limit break and he wiped it away with his hand, picking up Cloud effortlessly with the other. 

My head was spinning and pounding, adrenaline rushing vigorously to my brain trying to aid my escape. 

Sephiroth froze, his eyes bulged and he dropped Cloud's limp body. I froze also, staring as this terror known as Sephiroth shrank to the ground on his knees, shaking and cursing.

"J….JENOVA!! Why…why….aahhh!!" he cried out in pain as his body began to mutate.

"What the hell…" I found myself saying slightly under my breath, watching wings sprout from Sephiroth's back. 

"Jenova! Give me time to …kill Cloud! I…I almost have him!! Why are you mutating my body…so….quickly…after revival…?" he was talking to a voice only he could hear. 

I didn't wait around to see what he was mutating into. Wasting no time, I heaved a giant kick at him with all my remaining strength and he fell from the ledge, still quivering, into the rocks far below in the center. 

I peered over the edge and saw him struggling while his Jenova cells mutated. He wasn't dead and the next time I saw him he would probably be the One-Winged Angel or worse… I had to get out before he was done mutating.

I collapsed, catching my breath, staring up at the blue sky high up above. Tiny vanilla clouds drifted and I struggled with the sudden urge to sleep. I had to get Cloud out before Sephiroth regained his strength. Good thing his cells reached their mutative point before he could hurt Cloud. 

I picked myself up off the ground and felt sharp pains in my shoulder and all over my back and face. Cloud looked peaceful still. His hair was practically gray and his face was covered with a veil of blood and dirt. 

I smiled despite everything and picked him up, throwing his arm over my shoulder and commenced climbing.

It felt like hours before I reached the top and I was exhausted, but at least I didn't have to push myself or worry about someone climbing after me. Looking down, I could barely see a small image of Sephiroth laying still. 

The frosty wind bit at my face and icy snow covered the giant glacier that lay as my next obstacle. It would be easier if Cloud could walk on his own, but he was knocked out cold. Hope in the distance though. I could see Icicle Inn in the distance. I couldn't give up now. I had come so far…

My feet tasted the coldness of the snow first as the wind whipped my hair around. I reached the edge of the glacier when I saw three other guys huddled around a fire talking quietly. 

"Help! Help me..!" my teeth chattered in the cold and I dropped Cloud into the snow, collapsing alongside him a moment later. 

"Who are you?! What are you doing in this freezing cold, missy?" a young man stood over me. Another dragged Cloud near to the fire. 

"What happened to him? Is he ok?" an older man was asking. 

"Thank god…Thank god I found someone," I chattered. 

"We were hiking up this mountain to explore that huge crater and didn't expect to find someone else here!" the third man explained. "We're from Icicle Town."

"Take me there, please! Cloud needs help and I need to get him someplace warm!" I felt someone wrap their coat around me, but I was too exhausted even to open my eyes again once I closed them. 

"We'll spend the night here and take them back tomorrow morning," one man explained to the others. 

They covered Cloud with spare blankets and lay him down next to the fire while they pitched up a type of tent. I curled up inside a jacket offered to me by the fatter man and fell asleep my mind entirely exasperated from the day's revelations. 

**So that was a lil intermission whilst cloud was unconscious to let ya know what went on. Next chapter it's back to Cloud's pov! So stay tuned! It'll be done shortly!**


	12. jenova's void

****

Chapter 12

"Cloud…you're awake?" Tifa was suddenly sitting on the bed next to me. She wore a huge wooly jacket.

My vision was crystal clear and I noticed I was in a cabin of some sort as I took a look around. 

"Tifa?" my voice was groggy. 

"Cloud, I'm so glad you woke up! I was starting to really worry!" she hugged me tight. 

"What happened? I don't remember. But I just was resting my eyes for a moment…I didn't mean to…" I trailed off, trying to collect my thoughts. 

"I'm so glad you recovered as well as you did," her ruby eyes shone with a loving light. 

"Wait. What happened?" I strained to remember the last memories lingering in my head. 

"You've been asleep for about two weeks now. I'm surprised you're even alive really, considering the amount of injury you've been through. The Mako in your body is what must have kept you strong enough to stay alive through all that…" her eyes looked worried. 

Her voice was fading away in my head as I became fully awake and realized something was missing… Jenova's thoughts and voice was no longer creeping through me, and for a moment I was alarmed. 

My security…my comfort…Jenova, was gone. I had lived most of my life with her, and now I found my thoughts strangely quiet…

"Where's Zack?" I muttered, so used to hearing his voice and now my head felt so empty, so plain. 

"Zack? Cloud…I think you're just in shock. Zack's been dead for 7 years," her eyes looked wearily at mine, a hint of mistrust in them.

I began to panic… Zack was gone? That meant Sephiroth in my mind was gone too! Jenova wouldn't talk to me any longer and I felt suddenly so alone. My world was now so lonely, so brittle and hollow. 

I hadn't given it much thought before with all the commotion and the harvesting of my cells, but now that I was recovering, my mind still craved those energies and thoughts of another being inside of me. 

Now I was the only being inside of me. 

I felt vacant.

A life without Jenova, without Zack speaking to me, giving me advice, talking to me about my problems. An internal therapist is what he was. But…wasn't he just a figment of my mind and never real to begin with? So wasn't I my own therapist? Or is that what Jenova would want me to believe?

I had always longed to be free of her control, to be independent, to taste freedom of mind and body, to be able to know each day whether or not I was going to do something against my will and hurt somebody I love. 

The pain was gone, yes, that's right. The suffering, the fear, that was all gone. But in a strange new light, I was lonelier than ever. 

I had Tifa; I had everything I could ask for since she was everything to me. 

But with Jenova absent, she left a void within me, which had previously been overflowing, and now it was extremely hollow. That cruel motherly love vanished. I suppose she loved me since she spared Tifa, which has only made me happier because I love Tifa… so any conflicting thoughts. 

I always thought Tifa would be able to fill the void Jenova would leave. But now that Jenova is really gone and Tifa is really here, it feels so different.

My head began to ache.

"So is it true? Did everything really happen, or is it just a dream?" I mumbled, not believing this was real. 

I hadn't believed Jenova had truly left me before, but now her absence was strongly felt after waking up for the first time without her. I wasn't sure if I liked it as much as I initially did… the freedom was there, but the security was not.

"Cloud, it's real, but I haven't told you the worst yet…" she bit her lip and hesitated. 

"I've been asleep for two weeks? How did you get me out of the crater? Where's Sephiroth?" I couldn't help the questions from forming on my lips. I wish I hadn't fallen asleep and left Sephiroth alone with Tifa. 

It seemed so eerily quiet.

"Cloud, it's a long story, but I got you safely away from Sephiroth," Tifa answered shortly.

"But how? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pass out like that. Are you ok? He didn't hurt you, did he? If he did, I'll kill him! Jenova promised she wouldn't!" I tried to sit up, but immediately lay back down after feeling my muscles ache and protest. 

"Cloud, don't worry about anything. I'm just relieved you're alright. We're in Icicle Inn," she began to trail off a bit, as if straying from having to tell me something. 

The silence grew worse. 

"Tifa?" I looked at her, "What is it? Where's Sephiroth?" 

"He's become the One Winged Angel again…" her eyes avoided mine.

I shut my eyes immediately upon hearing this and cursed. My head was pounding.

"Tell me I heard you wrong…" I sighed heavily. "Tell me you didn't mean that. Tell me you're just kidding…"

"Cloud…he's…here. He's been looking for you," Tifa squeezed my hand. 

"What do you mean 'he's here'?" I opened my eyes slightly, gazing through the slits of eyelids at Tifa's darkened face. 

"I've been hiding you here until you woke up, fearing you might die. Sephiroth annihilated half the town until they begged for his mercy and swore you weren't here in Professor Gast's basement. He moved on, saying he will find you… that is what the townsfolk told me, but they are all mourning for the loss of their friends and family. I stayed with you here and told them we'd leave once you woke up… I didn't know how to handle things since I'm not a leader," Tifa talked as though my gaze frightened her, as though she had done the wrong thing. 

"And you think I AM the leader?" I shouted, then quickly closed my eyes again once my headache continued pounding. 

"Don't shout at me! I stayed here with you at your side while you fought with death, and this hasn't been the first time I've done this! I could've left you here to die by Sephiroth's sword so don't shout at me!" her sudden flair of attitude surprised me, but she was right. 

"I don't know what to do…" I sighed gently, barely a whisper. 

"Cloud…there's more," her voice darkened. 

I shut my eyes tighter. "Please, tell me it's good news," I moaned and turned on my side. 

"Sephiroth has been going after our friends too. He's attacked North Corel, Wutai and Cosmo Canyon within the last 2 weeks. News reaches Icicle Inn slow so he might've done more damage since then," Tifa reported to me. 

"How are they? Are they…dead? Yuffie, Red, Barret…?" I almost didn't want to know. 

"I'm…not sure if there were any survivors in Wutai or North Corel. I heard they got hit pretty badly…" Tifa's voice lowered. 

"What about Vincent and Reeve?" I held my hand against my forehead. 

"No word from either. Vincent is probably in Nibelheim," she stated. 

"Then let's go there. We know he is looking for me and we know he thinks I'd go back to one of our friends to tell them the news. Vincent is the only one left it seems. Sephiroth knows I wouldn't go to Reeve because Jenova knows that and Jenova was once inside my mind," I struggled to sit up and then stand up, swaying a bit. 

I was happy to find my body perfectly formed and slowly walked over to the mirror near the bed. I had only seen my own reflection a couple of times since my many changes, but I still recognized the glowing blue eyes staring back. My hair was dirty blonde clumps, no longer specific spikes. My face was weary and tired, my flesh seemed a little too stretched and bloody lines traveled under the skin from where I had been pulled apart and healed again.

"Are you well enough to travel to Nibelheim? We might find Sephiroth there waiting for us, you know…" Tifa sighed, "but we can't let him take any more lives.

And Jenova too, I thought, previous Jenova. No! What was I thinking?! She isn't previous and I'm better off without her! …Right?

"If it's me Sephiroth wants, then let him take me as long as it will stop this massacre," I spoke grimly. 

"No, Cloud, don't think like that! I went through absolute hell trying to save you and I'm not willing to give you up so easily. Sephiroth won't be able to take you because he will have to deal with me first and I will fight to the death if it will rid the world of that fallen angel," Tifa's strong words put a smile on my face. 

"There's the Tifa I fell in love with," I hugged her tight. "I will fight him again and this time when he's dead, ALL of Jenova will be dead too and this will finally be over…"

"Happily ever after, right?" Tifa's head rested on my shoulder. 

"Hopefully…"

"I'm just glad to have the old Cloud back again!" she squeezed me. 

Yeah, the old Cloud, I thought. I'm actually NOT back to the way I used to be. But she couldn't understand how drastically changed my life had been because of Jenova and how felt her absence was. I missed her, but I'd never admit it to Tifa.

  
"Where is my Ultima Weapon? Did I leave it back in my Villa? We'll have to go there first…" I told her, finally releasing her from the hug. 

"Cloud…"

"Yes?"

"We've been through so much together these past years. It HAS to end happily. We can't just go through all this torment and hell and go unrewarded in the end, right?'

"Right…"

"I mean, we've been through more in a few years than most people go through their whole lives! It can't be all for nothing. We can't let him win. And I can't lose you all over again."

"I don't ever want to lose you again either."

"You mean so much to me." Emotion strained through her voice.

"You have no idea how I've longed to hear you say that." I spoke the truth. 

**Cloud is finally free!! Yippee!! But things are not yet happily ever after! Next chapter- Nibelheim, once I start writing it. I've been real lazy lately, but I promise this one I will keep writing for! ^_~ **


	13. nibelheim

We arrived at Nibelheim on chocobo from Icicle Inn, making a pit stop at Costa del Sol to get my Ultima Weapon still in my villa, where I left it. I didn't want to ask where the airship was, fearing any mention of Cid. I could still see his mangled body, my hands bloody, and I could still hear faint remnants of his voice from that conversation Jenova had forced me to have inside my mind with him, or rather, with myself. 

Inside the villa, Tifa was silent. It had been a crime scene for some time and now was considered abandoned. I was supposed to still be in jail. Everything inside was untouched, probably photographed, but looked as though that horrible episode between Cid and I had happened just yesterday.

Tifa was probably remembering that night when I almost choked the life out of her. I didn't want to remember, but the moment while we were inside retrieving my sword was very awkward and uncomfortable. 

Blood still stained the floors and splattered the walls. Mine, Cid's, Tifa's, - it all looked the same. 

Broken glass and splintered wood cluttered the ground. I really tried not to think that it was I that once caused all this. I had once been insane enough to kill my friends and when I was insane, I had thought that I wasn't insane. 

Now, I know it was all Jenova reacting inside of me with my own emotions and amplifying them to fit her needs. I was happy to be of sound mind once more, even if it was a bit lonely with no thoughts always rumbling inside. The only thoughts now were my own thoughts. 

I missed Zack though. Now he was truly dead. I tried hard not to think about it and let my mind concentrate on the future, on defeating Sephiroth. 

From there, we took our chocobos, borrowed from a man in Icicle Inn, to Nibelheim.

It was eerily quiet there too, but that could be expected. It was a ghost town now. 

All of the main tragic events in my life have somehow revolved around this damned town, specifically that Mansion. Hojo had once done such horrible things inside that Mansion- toying with things he shouldn't have been experimenting with and forever changing people's lives, even though he thought he was creating life. 

Usually, coming back to Nibelheim would cause, with a blink of my eye, horrible receded memories to flood back into my conscious and cause me to go through another painful…episode. But now that I was devoid of Jenova, all of that painful crumbling self vanished too.

Mentally, I was stronger without her, but physically I knew I was much weaker. Without Jenova supporting my cells, all I had to rely on was my Mako. And I prayed THAT wouldn't take on a mind of it's own and begin controlling me… it was all I had left to match Sephiroth. 

He, of course, would be stronger with double the level of Jenova he last had and he was completely manifested into the One Winged Angel. It would be a tough battle, especially if it was only Tifa and I against him…

My mind traveled back to wondering where the others were…the ones left that weren't killed. Sephiroth attacked Yuffie, Barret, and Red so they have a low chance of survival. Aeris and Cid were long gone. Tifa and me, Cloud. Vincent and Cait Sith/Reeve seemed to be the only other two. 

"Cloud, be strong. This is tough for me too…" Tifa whispered and I felt her hand slip into mine. 

I smiled and took a deep breath. She knows that it's always hard for me to come back to Nibelheim after so many terrible years of my life I had been held and tortured here. Not to mention my distorted childhood here and the time Sephiroth went mad here and burnt it all down…

Vacant windows loomed down on me from the ShinRa Mansion like evil uninviting eyes. I shivered despite the warm temperature. 

"Let's find Vincent," Tifa slowly led me to the mansion door. "Cloud, are you ok?"

"I…I wish I didn't have to go back in there," I admitted, feeling not-so brave. 

She smiled, her eyes like glittering beautiful stars, her shiny lips so smooth. 

The door creaked open. She held tight to my hand and we walked into the basement. At the end of the corridor, I could glimpse into Hojo's lab. I hated it. I hated it all so much…

"What do you want?" a dull familiar voice sounded right behind me and I nearly jumped out of my skin. Tifa did likewise. 

"Jeez, Vincent! Are you trying to scare us?!" Tifa yelped. 

He was standing directly behind us, his cape draped entirely over him so he was nothing more than a pair of crimson eyes smoldering within a coal-black outline of flowing hair. 

"Hi Vincent," was all I managed to say. 

"Cloud, Tifa," he acknowledged us. "What's wrong?"

"It's a long story…but, well…Sephiroth might be coming here and we wanted to make sure you were safe," Tifa started. 

"Long story? I've got time. I haven't heard any stories in a while, unless my nightmares count as stories," he replied grimly. 

Tifa and I paused, exchanging nervous glances. How much had Vincent heard? How much should we tell him?

"Cid's dead," I brought up the impossible. 

"You're joking. How did he die?" Vincent's voice hardly showed any surprise. 

"…I killed him," I didn't want to say it, but it needed to be said. 

He glanced at Tifa. She nodded. 

"It's true…" she softly added, "That's a long story too…"

Then he turned back to me. 

"If you ever hurt her, I'll kill you," he pointed with his hand in Tifa's direction and gave me a look that meant he was serious, raising his razor-sharp claw to touch my face lightly so I could feel the sting of the cold metal. 

I stepped back, "It's different now, though. I'm actually entirely Jenova-free now. After a long excruciating conflict, she pulled out of my body and entered back into Sephiroth, reanimating him."

"Hojo would leap out of his grave if he heard that," Vincent replied dryly, "That is, if he's even in a grave."

"And Vincent, I would never hurt Tifa," I told him firmly. 

"What's this?" Vincent traced the line of Tifa's scar across her cheek with his finger. 

I froze. Would she say?

"Cloud?" he looked directly at me, almost accusingly. 

"Um…it's nothing," Tifa quickly responded, "Sephiroth attacked me once he had been revived in the Crater."

Vincent held my gaze still, "Where's Sephiroth now?"

"We don't know. We heard he's been to Wutai, North Corel, and Cosmo Canyon, searching for me. He wants to kill me," I said. 

"Yuffie, Barret, Red? They're all dead too, along with Cid?" his eyes looked pained. 

"We think so," I nodded. 

"What do you want from me?" Vincent leaned against the corridor wall. 

"Come with us. Help us fight Sephiroth for the final time and end Jenova's existence on the Planet," I extended the offer. 

"Please, Vincent. We're afraid he might come here looking for us and kill you too. He's manifested himself into the One Winged Angel," Tifa informed him. 

"Really? If Tifa wants me to go, then I shall go," the corners of his eyes tilted up, perhaps he was smiling underneath that cape. 

"Thank you, Vincent," Tifa smiled graciously, "We need all the help we can get."

Suddenly, I became very nauseous, a chilling sensation crept down my spine, and it was a feeling I had missed. Jenova's presence. 

"Uh…" I clenched my stomach and beads of sweat instantly formed on my forehead. "I think Jenova is here…"

This was an unexpected symptom from withdrawal of Jenova. This would be the first time I would be in close range with Jenova since she last ditched my body in the Crater and my body began to react to feeling the cells so close. 

"Guys…" I swayed, the nauseating effect growing worse. She couldn't directly control me, but my body was still not used to being without her cells. 

"How do you know Jenova is here? Cloud, you don't look well…" Tifa caught me as I began to fall, my entire body aching. 

"I…I d,didn't know I was this weak without her. But I feel her presence," I muttered between breaths. 

"What the hell?" Vincent was looking elsewhere, further down the corridor. 

"She's close by? Oh god, your body must be going through some type of withdrawal symptoms from the absence of Jenova cells," her voice was panicked and she tried to help me stand. 

"I thought I'd find you here, Brother," that hideous voice cracked. He had entered the corridor to Hojo's underground lab. "I knew you'd return to Nibelheim."

Sephiroth was fully transformed and his giant wingspan barely fit within the walls, his arched razor-edged single wing hung down in front and his hair billowed to the sides. 

"You!" Vincent hand flashed as he retrieved his gun from the side of his belt. 

"Ha!" Sephiroth looked at me, "I'm only looking for you, boy."

I didn't look at him for more than a second while the aches in my body got worse. I stood leaning slightly on Tifa, who was trembling with fear. 

"Cloud, we've got to leave!" Tifa pulled me alongside her into Hojo's lab. 

"Run! I'll hold him off, Tifa!" Vincent called back to us. 

As Tifa slammed the door, I heard shots being fired. She threw me on the floor and feverishly began sliding things in front of the heavy door. 

"That won't stop him," I yelled to her. "If he wants me dead, he WILL get in here and kill me."

"Well you're not helping any!" Tifa continued piling things by the door- books, tables, rows of instruments. 

I tried not to look around at all the instruments once used to torture me. I stood, shakily, hearing several more shots fired outside. 

"We've got to get out of here. There MUST be another way out!" I crawled towards the bookshelves and tore down books, searching for some other way out, knocking over test tubes and breaking countless beakers. 

"We shouldn't have just left Vincent out there! We wanted to save his life!" Tifa suddenly cried. 

"He's giving his to save ours…" I mumbled under my breath so Tifa couldn't hear. 

Vincent knew that Sephiroth would have killed me, Tifa, and himself (Vincent) during such a moment of our unreadiness, so he sacrificed himself so that Tifa and I could escape, but I didn't want to explain that to her. She has too big a heart and would try to rescue Vincent too. Sometimes you just gotta let others die to save yourself…

I began to give up hope- there is no other way out of his lab. 

"Tif, I've got another idea. Hide somewhere real good right by the door with me!" I told her, trying to ignore the excruciating pains in my abdomen and chest. 

I had my sword strapped to my back, but there's no way I'd be able to fight in this condition. I coughed painfully and slid behind Tifa, leading her back behind a half-toppled bookshelf directly behind the door.

If we were lucky, he wouldn't see us when he opened it and once he ventured far enough down into the corridor with all the books we would be able to make a run for it. For the first time, I wished I didn't have my heavy Ultima Weapon with me. 

Silence outside. I ceased hearing shots and feared the worst for Vincent. Completely out of view, facing the wall, hunched under the rotting wood of the bookshelf, Tifa and I remained absolutely silent. We clung to eachother. I had hoped that I was done living through crucial life or death situation such as this. 

The door burst open, spraying glass, metal and wood flying in all direction from where Tifa had stacked so many things in front of the door. I had been right, nothing had stopped him from coming in. I couldn't see him, but I could feel him, or rather, I could feel Jenova. 

I wanted to throw up, the feeling was so bad and for a few moments I stopped breathing for fear that Sephiroth would be able to hear me. Tifa's entire body was tense like stone. 

"Cloud? You fool! I will finally end your troublesome little life. You could have had it all with Mother. You could have been the one who made it to the Promised Land with her. But you rejected her…actually, no, she rejected you! She didn't love you like she loved me!" I could taste the arrogance in his voice. "Join me, Cloud and together we can claim the Promised Land with Mother." 

He was lying and I knew it. His words made me so angry, but I didn't dare budge. I peered out slowly from the corner and saw his floating form going towards the back of the library. Vincent's limp bloody body hung loosely from his razor wing, sliding off to the ground with a dull thud. 

I closed my eyes and fought the anger rising. All I needed to concern myself with right now was my own and Tifa's survival. And we needed to make our move while Sephiroth was still preoccupied with searching the back library. I waited, my muscles tense…

Now!

I reached up and grabbed Tifa's hand, pulling her fast behind me, running with all my power out the door and down the corridor. I heard his laughter echoing down the hall and I jetted up the stairs as fast as I could, the pains threatening to collapse me at any moment, my head still pounding. 

Tifa was at my heels, running full speed with me, sliding down the railing in the foyer and slamming through the front door. My legs ached and my lungs burned from pushing myself too suddenly to go too fast. But I knew I was literally running for my life. One slip and he would kill me. One false move and I'd be dead. 

I didn't dare look behind me but I heard his voice. 

"Running away?" he sounded angry, yet still confident. "Ha!"

He is a monster and he wants to kill me, was all I could think as I ran, hearing Tifa's footsteps a second behind mine. 

All I focused on was our chocobos at the edge of town, patiently waiting for us to return, not having any idea of what immediate danger they could be in. I glanced back at Tifa. Even while running for her life she still looked beautiful. 

My legs strained and I leapt up onto my chocobo, giving Tifa my hand to help her up quickly onto hers. 

"Go!" I shouted to them, even though I knew they couldn't understand and forced them to run as fast as they could out of Nibelheim. Tifa's chocobo was running fast alongside mine, and the distance between Nibelheim and us grew. 

After several minutes of galloping, our chocobos began to slow. Turning, I saw no sign of Sephiroth. We had escaped death temporarily. I could imagine Vincent's cold corpse lying in the basement in a pool of blood, a victim of my escape.

And I couldn't help but feel entirely responsible for his death, even though Sephiroth probably would have gone there anyway and killed him anyway in his mad search for me. 

Our chocobos were exhausted and came to a stop by the river. 

"Cloud, that was close. I didn't realize what a profound effect Jenova's leaving had on you. I swear you were about to die back there," Tifa sighed. 

"Yeah," I realized the intense pain had subsided after my adrenaline had gone back down to normal. In life or death situations like that, adrenaline tends to make lots of other pains go away in order to preserve the self. 

"I was scared we weren't going to make it," she laughed a little, but it was a sad laugh, one to release tension rather than express joy. 

"Me too. How will I be able to fight Sephiroth if I get so weak whenever Jenova's near?" I sighed helplessly. 

"Maybe you'll get better. Maybe it was just initial shock that your body is going through after being with Jenova for so long and then suddenly being without it entirely," she smiled, trying to cheer me up. 

"I hope," I dismounted my chocobo and lay on the grass near the river. "We need to keep moving. I…I can't believe he got Vincent. He's going after everyone," I felt tears sting in my eyes. "And it's all because of me."

"It's because he knows you're the only one who is capable of killing him," Tifa said.

"No, I'm useless if I get like that again around him, around Jenova," I scornfully spat. "I'm a waste now. I'd be better off dead…"

"Don't talk like that! I saved your life and stayed by your side until you got better and lived through all the shit and hard times with you for years and I will not tolerate you saying you're better off dead! I love you and I've put my own life on the line for yours," she dismounted her chocobo and lay next to me. 

"Hmm…thank you," I smiled slightly. I couldn't help but feel the despair of the situation. 

"We'll let the chocobos rest here for a little bit, then we need to figure out what we can do…" she closed her eyes. "Don't worry, I'm not going to fall asleep."

Maybe the only way to make that horrible nauseous feeling go away is to reunite with Jenova, I thought, but I didn't tell Tifa this. Yes, rest would be good, even if it is for only a moment. 

**Ok, I realize that this chapter kinda makes Vincent a bit ooc and I apologize for that. Also, as I was writing this, the scene at the end kept reminding me of Resident Evil and Sephiroth as being the Nemesis…sorry if this chapter seemed a bit hurried, but i just wrote it up real fast. Stay tuned for more chapters soon!! ^_~ adios!**


	14. friendships change

I awoke suddenly from a nightmare that I lost sight of entirely once I opened my eyes. Realizing that I had been asleep, I immediately thought I was in danger…putting my guard down for too long. 

It was near twilight and the chocobos were peacefully resting lying in a heap of golden feathers. My mind raced, where was Tifa? 

In the falling light, I noticed her soft white skin out of the corner of my eye. She was asleep by the stream her chocolate brown hair fanned out around her. Her pale eyelids and full red lips shone in the rising moonlight. She looked so angelic I almost didn't want to wake her. 

Gazing at her, I almost forget the horrible ordeal that I had been through and what danger Tifa was still in. 

Sephiroth…why hadn't he found us yet? We were like sitting ducks asleep by this stream. Perhaps pure luck? 

Maybe he hadn't been able to find me because I no longer had any parts of Jenova in me… I was just like everyone else on, nothing special about me to zero-in on except my Mako infusion. Now I was a needle in a haystack, a single ant lost amide a colony…

Without my Jenova, I was free of his curse practically. 

Tifa stirred and caught my attention. I lost my train of thought and bent down, grazing her face with my hand. 

"Cloud?" she opened her eyes slowly. I could tell she was trying to focus in on my face despite her sleep deprivation. 

"Tifa…you must be exhausted from going through all this with me. You probably need this sleep…" I gently kissed her forehead. 

"We killed Vincent… We let him die…" she responded remorsefully. 

"Vincent gave his life so we could live. Sephiroth would've gone to Nibelheim looking for me and killed Vincent anyway," I tried to reason with her. 

She turned the other way and sat up, pieces of her hair sticking out from sleep, but she still looked beautiful. 

"I'm so tired," she exclaimed and lay back down. 

"Me too," I muttered. 

"We've got to find Reeve, he's the last one alive I think. Maybe he could help us," Tifa pulled on her Premium Heart, standing up. 

"Well, let's make our way back towards Midgar," I heard my dreary voice respond. 

My inner conflicts were over, despite how much I actually missed them. I felt so strangely empty without Jenova… But Tifa loves me now and that's all that's important to me, I told myself with a grin. Now, I just have to deal with these outer conflicts other than my own hazardous 'person versus self' ordeal that I previously could barely deal with. Tifa had healed me. 

I smiled at Tifa, but she didn't notice. 

We mounted the chocobos who had woken up a second after we did and headed towards Cosmo Canyon on our way to Midgar. 

The ride there was silent and Tifa held a look of dread, as if she were anticipating something horrible to happen or perhaps she was simply fed up with me and all the pain I've caused her. 

"This may sound silly, but are you mad at me for dragging you into all this?" I mumbled. 

"You didn't drag me into anything. I was 'dragged into all this' the moment I first met you back in Nibelheim when we were children. Knowing you my entire life 'dragged me into all this' to tell you the truth. And I would never want to leave you alone in this. We'll see this through 'til the end, Cloud," she smiled sadly, her eyebrows expressing her melancholy voice. 

"But you didn't answer my question. Are you mad at me?" I sounded pitiful and I knew it, but I couldn't help it. I really wanted to know. 

Our communication has been difficult during these trying times and I couldn't help but wonder what Tifa thought of all this. Her emotions seemed so drastic, so rapid to change. I wish I were inside her mind so I knew exactly what she thought about me. 

"No," her curt reply. 

Perhaps there was more meaning in the way she responded than in the response itself. Or perhaps I was overanalyzing things and looking too deeply into nothing. Like observing a bottomless pit and waiting for my own echo to return… was I expecting too much from the woman I had put through so much torture?

My mind swarmed and shortly we reached the outskirts of Cosmo Canyon. A fiery red outline began making its way towards us. Probably just a native of Cosmo Canyon inviting us in to stay, but we didn't want to put the little village in danger. Plus, time was crucial and we needed to make it back to the ruins of Midgar (to catch Reeve while he was busy replanning the rebuilding the fallen city).

I was guilty with the weight of death choking me. It buzzed in my mind constantly that I was responsible for my teammates' deaths. Directly responsible for Cid's death, which I felt Tifa never fully forgave me for. 

The fiery outline began to take shape and I nearly leapt with joy once I recognized the figure… RedXIII!! My jaw instantly dropped and I saw Tifa leap off her chocobo and run towards him. 

"Red!!" she yelled, tears of joy sliding down her cheeks. 

My chest felt like it would burst! I was so happy someone else was alive! It was like recognizing a familiar face amongst a crowd of thousands or reuniting with friend after years of separation. I almost cried, my heart swelled up. 

Tifa was hugging Red, burying her face in his mane and he was patting her shoulder with a huge paw, purring softly. 

"Tifa, I'm so relieved you're alright," he grinned. 

"Red, we were so worried!! I had thought for sure you were dead, killed by Sephiroth!" she wiped away her drying tears as fresh ones fell. 

Then he spotted me. 

"You!" he growled accusingly. 

"W…what? It's so nice to see you alive, Red," I stopped in my tracks, cautiously eyeing him. 

"Get away from here, I heard what you did to Cid. After all the admiration and respect I once had for you…." he trailed off, swinging his flame tail close to the ground. 

"Red! Hey, relax! I'm ok now," I chuckled nervously watching Red tense his muscles and bare his teeth. 

"Tifa?" he questioned her. 

"Cloud is…better," she comforted him a little. 

"I still don't trust you, Cloud," he growled and turned back away, "But I will permit you and Tifa into Cosmo Canyon."

My happiness at seeing my old friend vanished once I saw what bitter hatred he held for me. Barret must have told him about Cid… My empty sorrow filled once more after seeing the way Red had looked at me, that accusing glint in his eyes, that suspicious and uninviting glare that I never knew existed from him. 

He was always the kind, wise one. His eyes reminded me of how Tifa's eyes looked once, before I was sane, before the Jenova left my body. 

Suddenly, as I watched Tifa and Red walk away, talking rapidly together, I felt so very lonely. I felt stupid, of course, and guilty, but mostly I just felt so fucking alone. 

I stood there, watching them walk into Cosmo Canyon, Tifa smiled so happily at Red. I could never fit into this picture. Even if Tifa and I were alright together, I would never be accepted by anybody because of what I've done. Hell, I wouldn't even be allowed back in Junon seeing as I'm still wanted back at the asylum. 

My blood stained hands would never wash clean. All the deaths I had caused, all the pain and suffering I made Tifa go through. Everything just seemed so clear after watching Red's reaction to seeing me again. He hated me. 

I could still see them, sitting around the big fire, Tifa's lips moving so fast I was sure she was telling Red about Sephiroth. I sighed and felt a heavy weight bend over my heart. 

I didn't belong here with them. I couldn't be with Red if he didn't trust me at all. Vincent hadn't trusted me either. Nobody would. They all thought I was crazy, but nobody understands that I'm ok now… I'm fine! Without my Jenova…

Without my Jenova, I am alone. 

I have no mother, no friends, nothing…except Tifa. But she still has her friends. Everybody still loves her. Vincent and Red both still loved her and hated me. A cold dagger of jealousy slipped into my chest. I still envied her. She had friends that I couldn't have…

No! I squeezed my eyes shut and cursed at myself. Don't get that jealousy back, that's when you started to have thoughts of hurting her… I can't have that again…

Damn, I wish Zack were here to talk with me, or even if Jenova were here. They would reason with me and point me to different options I have available. Instead, I'm stuck with myself…

I sat down right in the red sand and curled my knees up to my chest, resting my head on my knees. The horrible aching sensation in my chest grew worse, I swore my heart was being stabbed. Why do I suddenly feel so terrible?! This is Red's fault…he made me feel so unwelcome!

I looked over to Tifa, sitting and smiling with Red. I thought I saw her look over at me for an instant, but I could have just been seeing things again. She looked like a beautiful picture, the way her hair hung in the slight breeze and the way the light from the fire reflected on her smooth, delicate skin. 

Then, I saw Red point to the scar running along her cheek and she touched it gently, rubbing a finger along the side of her face. My thoughts froze. I stared. She was frowning as she spoke. No, please don't tell Red I'm the one who cut you. I'm not like that anymore, I swear!!

I watched in horror, my breath staggering, as her eyes darted to me while she spoke. Red stood up fiercely, listening to her, the hair on his back ruffled. Oh shit… I squeezed my eyes closed. Why would Tifa tell Red that I was the one who had hurt her?!!

I couldn't deal with the thought and anger replaced my deepening sorrow. I was angry with Red for those hatred filled glares he had thrown at me and I was angry with myself for being so lonely. 

An uncontainable rage flung itself through my veins and I stood up, walking towards the fire where Red and Tifa sat. My fists were clenched. I was furious, mainly with Red for being so mistrusting of an old friend. 

I could imagine if Zack were still here, he would have been arguing that Red only mistrusted me because of my…removal… of Cid. But Zack wasn't here and I was even more furious about that too! I still needed Zack to talk to me sometimes, as much as I didn't want to admit it. 

I reached the fire and Red began growling at me. 

"You bastard…" he spat. 

"Tifa…" my voice faltered. 

She looked at my clenched fists and swallowed. "Cloud, relax. Red's just angry about your moment of …slipping sanity a while back." She tried a smile. I frowned back. 

"How could you hurt her. I can't believe I once trusted you and I can't believe that you once led us into victory against that madman, Sephiroth," Red turned away from me, a growl still hanging in every word. 

"Why did you tell him?" I hissed at Tifa. Then I turned back to Red, "You know, Sephiroth is still out there." 

I struggled to control my anger. I wanted to rip out his lungs and tear his face off. I wanted to crack his ribs and watch his blood pour over his fur-

"Cloud! Don't let me hear an angry tone in your voice," Tifa's light laughter broke my thoughts. "I've explained to Red about Sephiroth and the Jenova."

"It's not THE Jenova, it's Jenova, that's her name," I corrected her without even thinking. 

"Cloud?" her and Red eyed me strangely. 

"I'm going the Inn so I can get some rest…" I turned and walked away before my anger could express itself in more violent ways. 

"I'll be there in a little bit, I just wanna chat with Red more," she called after me, but I didn't care. 

I stormed off into the Inn, my mind racing. The woman working there kept staring at me. I didn't know what to do with all my building emotion, so I got a room and sat down on the bed. I wasn't sleepy at all, even though night had long fallen and the sky was black outside my window. But I needed to be away from Red and Tifa. I couldn't stand it anymore!

My loneliness, my feeling of rejection, my guilt, my sorrow, my building anger, my loss of friends, it was all becoming too much. I lye down on the bed and shoved my face in the pillow.

Being alone with my own thoughts was a little more than I expected it would be. I always wanted freedom from Jenova, but I had forgotten how to live without Jenova constantly chatting away in my mind. I had gotten so accustomed to her presence that I didn't even notice all the noise constantly going on in my mind. 

Now, all I noticed was the absolute silence, the lack of noise. And I hated it!!

I was restless, I didn't know how to deal with my emotions without Zack to talk to about it. I understood that the Zack that I talked to was merely a part of myself manifested through my Jenova cells, but still, I felt lonely without my Jenova influencing my life. 

I loved Tifa, definitely, but I felt like some permanent part of me was missing. But would I trade Tifa for Jenova? No…would I? No, don't even think like that… but…

I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I wanted Jenova back. 

****

Ok, more Sephiroth in the next chapter and some exciting twisting plot thingies! Sorry it took so long for me to update . Stay tuned for Chap 15!


	15. returning insanity

****

Chapter 15

I was restless all night and the small moments where I would fall asleep would be haunted with nightmares forgotten the second I awoke from them. Tifa came into the room late in the night and tiptoed quietly to her bed, trying not to wake me, but I was already awake. 

"What did you and Red talk about?" I heard my own voice cut the night air. 

She froze, "Oh, I didn't know you were awake." She sat down at the edge of my bed. "It…it was good to see Red again. He told me lots about what's happened since you left…"

"Like what?" I sat up, trying to see her features in the faint light. 

"Like how Sephiroth had already been to Cosmo Canyon searching for you while Red was out visiting the statue of his father, Seto. Sephiroth terrorized the villagers with words, but harmed nothing because they managed to convince him that neither you nor Red was here. And Sephiroth left after that," Tifa nodded. 

"Bullshit. I don't believe it. If Sephiroth wanted to find Red he would have stopped at nothing to find him. He would've at least killed some people or destroyed some houses or something! I know him and that's what he would have done. I think Red is lying," I concluded. 

"Why would Red lie?" Tifa countered. 

"To safe his own hide, of course," I leaned closer, "Think about it, Sephiroth came here looking for me or Red, right? Red probably begged and pleaded with Sephiroth to spare his life, and he probably made up a story about telling me to hide in Nibelheim or something…" 

"Cloud…"

"And then Red probably told Sephiroth to hunt me down elsewhere, saying that-"

"Cloud! Stop it! You're just being ridiculous now. The truth is that Sephiroth was here, but since he couldn't find you or Red, he left! Is that so hard to believe? He didn't find what he was looking for, so he left!" Tifa raised her voice a little. 

"That means that he will be back. We need to get out of here…" I stood up, paranoia shivering down my spine. 

"Cloud, sit down. Please, relax. The last thing you want to do is panic. We will be out of here by daybreak. Both you and I really need to rest. Plus, Red told me that he will help us fight Sephiroth again, for the last time. Unless you plan on resurrecting Seph again," she smiled at me warmly. 

I smiled back and chuckled, "Not likely… But what if I can't get close to Jenova again without feeling so nauseous like I did before."

"Red and I will be there for you. Everything will work out, ok?" She leaned over and kissed my forehead. "Now, get some sleep, silly!"

"I can't sleep… Red's coming along too, huh? See, I thought it would be better if I had all my old friends with me again, but Red isn't my friend anymore. He doesn't understand me like you do. He hates me," I concluded. 

"Red's just upset, as we all were, when he found out about Cid. I told him that your Jenova is out of your body and that you're fine now, but it'll take a while for you to regain his trust. He really liked you and now you've slashed a deep wound in his heart that will take a long time to heal. But it will heal, eventually," Tifa laid down in her bed, yawning. 

"But you don't hate me, and I punctured a wound in your heart too," I whispered. 

"Me and you are different. We've known eachother forever and we've been through a lot more together. Cloud, I'm tired so I'll be brief… don't worry about Red. He's just angry with you, but it will pass. Try not to think too deeply about it. Ok?" she shut off the light near her bed. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," I laid down on my own bed and closed my eyes. But I couldn't sleep. 

Every time I shut my eyes, I saw Sephiroth chasing me. I heard the silence that Jenova left behind with me when she vacated. I felt the empty section that echoed loneliness deep within my chest without Zack's clever conversations. And then I began to see flashbacks… 

The night Cid died, the ultimate power I held and the sanity I bled away that night. The mental struggle that exhausted my willpower and held me captive while I cried, hidden in the fragile fragments of my splintered self. 

Even further back now, I saw Tifa lying on her bed another fateful night. Her pale skin so white, in high contrast with the dark blood running down her cheek like a tear. The bloody knife I clutched, the raging jealousy in my veins. Was it Jenova that night, or me who ran the smooth edge of the knife into her skin? 

Now I left that scene and saw Red's growling form crouching low to the floor, eyeing me suspiciously. His good eye glared up at me, so full of hatred, so full of mistrust. He was a demon in bright fur, plotting to kill me. I could see it in the way he looked at me. I had to get rid of him before he got rid of me.

My eyes snapped open, rage pumping through me. 

I hadn't had any flashbacks since Jenova left my body, so I had thought they had all been Jenova-cell-induced flashbacks. But no…they were all familiar products of my mind. The flashbacks had nothing to do with Jenova at all, contrary to popular belief. It was all me.

I sat up, throwing off my covers. Tifa was sound asleep in her bed and it was still pitch black outside. I couldn't think straight, my mind was plummeting. I quietly left the room and walked outside into the warm night air. The fire was still burning brightly, although nobody was around to enjoy its warmth. Everyone must be asleep.

Red must hate me. I can never gain his trust again. He'll try to kill me, thinking that I might hurt Tifa again. Everyone is so scared for Tifa's safety because she is with me, but I won't hurt her again! They don't understand that I once sacrificed my body and mind to Jenova in exchange for Tifa's safety, THAT'S how much I love Tifa. But Red won't understand that, he will try to kill me. Vincent was worried about Tifa's safety and now Red is worried about Tifa's safety. He doesn't trust me. He will never trust me!

My head was pounding, each thought was slicing through each subsequent thought creating chaos within my mind. I thought these restless nights were over once Jenova left me! I thought I would find peace without Her! I thought she was the cause of my troubled thoughts and disturbed nights, but no… she's gone and I still suffer! I've suffered my whole life under her and now I suffer without her!

I tore at my hair, yellow strands tangled in my fingers. What more can I do? How can I end this torment that plagues me? When can I be like Tifa, who doesn't have to deal with this like I do!

I sat down near the fire, trying to relax, trying to breathe calmly. 

I am alone because of my previous actions. I am hated by my friend. And the others are dead because of me. Tifa is the only one I have left. Tifa understands. Jenova even rejected me. Jenova…

I can't live alone with myself. No, don't think like that… relax, Cloud, everything will be fine. I can never live the way Tifa lives, loved by everyone, admired and respected! Red hates me!

I can't stand this! I need relief. 

I crept quietly through the town up to the planetarium where Bugenhagen used to live before he died just recently. My mind was numb with a thousand hollow insects crawling inside of my skull. Rattling noises began sounding near the base of my brain, but I ignored them and walked into Bugenhagen's house, knowing Red would be sleeping there.

A strange weightlessness lifted up into my body and my toes felt like they were barely touching the wooden floor as I climbed upstairs into the bedroom. This feels familiar…

Red was sleeping on his side in the dusty old home. His tail flame was dimly glowing, lighting up the room just enough so I could see his chest rise and fall with his gentle breathing. I searched the room with my eyes, noticing a series of antique daggers on the wall for display. I smiled and carefully took one down, unsheathing it, the rusty blade shone dull. 

I felt a rush of adrenaline as I neared Red's body. The spiders swarming in my brain began to relax as I raised the knife, ready to pierce his skin, but I stopped in midair. 

Holy shit…this is exactly how I ended up hurting Tifa! No! I can't do this! I threw the knife down, the blade cluttering to the floor, the noise disturbing the haunting quiet in the room. Red didn't move. He was still dead asleep. 

Why am I trying to hurt a friend?

"He is not your friend anymore, Cloud," a deep low voice faintly whispered in the night. 

I jumped a foot back, "You scared the hell outta me," I slurred quietly and turned to see who the speaker was. 

Sephiroth stood across the room. 

I gasped and jumped back three feet, trying hard to remain soundless. 

"You! Get away from me!! How did I not sense your arrival?" I hissed at him, although deep down I was relieved that it wasn't Tifa…

"Finish the job, Cloud," he smiled and picked up the dagger, placing it in my hand. 

His green eyes expressed no hostility and I realized that this Sephiroth was not the One-Winged Sephiroth full of Jenova that was stalking me and wanting to kill me. This was the Sephiroth dressed in his black cape that haunted my Jenova-induced memories. He wasn't real. 

"You… you're the one inside my head. You're the one I thought I rid myself of when the Jenova left me," I stated sadly. Red stirred in his sleep…

"Did you think I would leave you just because Jenova left you? My existence was not solely invented by Jenova to torment you. You kept me alive in your thoughts…" Sephiroth smiled. 

"But you're just a hallucination!" I raised my voice and Red growled a bit and rolled over, still asleep. 

"Shh! Don't wake him up! You must kill him silently in his sleep!" Sephiroth shushed me.

"I don't understand. Jenova is what made you keep appearing to me and yet you still appear even though my Jenova is gone!" I shook my head in agony. 

"You fool! I can never leave you. You allow me to exist inside your mind. Jenova has nothing to do with me being here! I represent a portion of your mind, locked away, manifesting itself into my form to communicate with you," Sephiroth stated, seeming to understand all this a lot better than I did. 

"So that means that Zack is still alive in my mind, too?" I twirled the dagger around on my finger, thinking about what Sephiroth said. 

"Yes, but I'm getting restless…finish Red off before he awakens!" Sephiroth demanded. 

"I don't have to listen to you, you are imaginary! You're just a hallucination! You're not real!" I insisted.

"But the emotions that I represent are real. You cannot deny that," he replied solemnly.

"I wanted some peace and quiet in my head from all the voices and I thought Jenova's leaving would take care of that! All the voices are gone, except for you…" my soul began to feel heavy and the weightless feeling left me. 

"You can never rid yourself of yourself. You are the only person who you must always live with. Zack and I don't really exist. We exist as part of you, representing emotions you have and aren't able to face alone," Sephiroth spoke softly, eyeing Red's sleeping form. 

"This is so complicated," I began shaking my head, "ridding myself of Jenova did nothing beneficial for me!" 

"She can no longer control you," he pointed out.

"But all of this has led to nothing but problems!" I shouted, my anger building. 

"SHH!" Sephiroth was staring at Red now. 

I spun around to where Red was lying and found that he had woken up. 

"Why are you screaming, and…" he spotted the dagger in my hand. "What were you going to do with THAT?! I knew it! You're not changed like Tifa said! You're still exactly the same as when you murdered Cid! You're still insane!"

Without having much time to react to his words, Red suddenly lunged at me, teeth bared… 


	16. the weakness

Red's claws aimed for my throat, and my rage still burned deeply after the discussion with Sephiroth, who at once vanished once my attention was turned to Red. The dagger felt hot in my hand and in once fluid motion I swung the dagger up and slashed Red in the chest just as he was about to claw me. His body twisted and he let out a high pitched yelp before falling flat on the floor. 

He was still alive, bleeding profusely with the dagger in his chest. 

"You bastard…" he growled and his head dropped. 

I froze. Was he dead? I didn't mean to…

"Now you've done it," Zack's voice entered my thoughts, "Tifa will be furious now."

"No! I was just defending myself!" I clawed at my hair, trying to stop his voice. Bloody yellow strands hung in front of my eyes. "No!" I screamed, fear igniting deep within from the ashes of my anger. 

"Were you defending yourself, though? You came here with the thought in your mind to kill him…Why else should you unsheathe that dagger?" Zack materialized in front of me.

"Dammit! You're dead! You're a hallucination too! Leave me alone!" I grabbed more daggers off the wall and began hurling them at Zack. 

"But I thought you missed me and wanted me to come back," Zack pouted. 

"I miss the real Zack. I miss my old friend…and I did miss you," I replied gravely, "But you're not the real Zack. You don't act like the real Zack because he's dead and gone forever. You are just something my brain made up." I calmed down a bit.

My heart grew suddenly very melancholy. I curled up in the center of the room.

"I never left you. Neither did Sephiroth," Zack was trying to explain something to me, but I wasn't listening. 

I covered my face with my hands and noticed my fingers were coated in blood…again, it was not mine. Again, I had murdered a friend. I couldn't speak. Words no longer expressed this intense fear, anger, and guilt burning in my hands.

"Why?! Why would this happen to me?! Why couldn't this have happened to someone else?!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, my voice echoing all around me. My throat was raw and dry, my body felt weak. 

Why couldn't I stop bad things from happening to me? Why was I still not in control of my life even though Jenova was gone from me?

I fell into despair, trying to get a hold of myself and stop the angry tears streaking down my cheeks. I was suddenly very fearful of Red's bloody corpse. He could attack me harsher in death than in life. 

Only when my emotions began to overwhelmingly spill over me did Zack and Sephiroth appear. They were just manifestations of my own hidden emotions and also a small voice of reason or the other side of an argument to me. But they were all my thoughts. None of it was Jenova's. And that's what scared me the most. 

This sudden realization that it wasn't Jenova all along, but myself. When Jenova left, most of the voices left and she couldn't keep me under her control, but the small torments I emotionally felt remained. They were my torments I had given myself. Jenova had nothing to do with it. 

If I could keep my emotions under control and suppress any outbursts of rage or fear, I would be fine…

My breathing evened out as I tried to control my heartbeat. Red's freshly killed body was oozing still-warm blood onto the wooden planks and I was concentrating on remaining calm. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the instant reply behind my lids of me slashing Red with the dagger. 

Who was to blame for all of this? I tried to clear my mind and remember a time when I could have considered myself normal. I wanted to trace who was the cause of my troubles. I was never normal by normal standards. Even as I child, my only memories were of loneliness and a desolate longing to be included in what everyone else seemed to be a part of. 

Well, everyone seems to have something that I do not, back then and now. I don't feel the need for life anymore and perhaps all of them have that will to live tucked somewhere deep inside. It keeps them so happy, but it's what keeps them always apart from me.

What was I? Pathetic and weak, as Jenova showed me. A complicated problem, as Zack showed me. A failure, as Sephiroth showed me. And Tifa? What has she shown me? Love and compassion? 

No. She was the cause of all this. She IS my blazing emotion that I am always trying to tame. She is my affection and desire and it is because of her that I feel this way. It's because of her that everything has turned out the way it has in my life. She ignored me when we were children and she is the reason I submitted willingly to Jenova. I practically sacrificed my own life in exchange for her safety! I diverted Jenova's murderous hands (which happened to also be my own) from Tifa's neck to Cid's neck! I've done everything for her and gone through immense pain and sacrifice!! 

Why hadn't I seen this before? I was too emotional before, too enveloped in her love, to realize that she is my pain. She is my Achilles' heel, my ultimate weakness. Without her, I would no longer be weak. Jenova was right all along…

I felt as though my thoughts were suddenly crystal clear, all the fog and noise no longer present. She was to blame. I was blind all along, but now I saw the truth. Tifa was my enemy. 

"Cloud? Are you up there?" Tifa's voice suddenly called from downstairs Bugenhagen's home. 

I immediately stood up. I mustn't let her find me here. What would she say? How had she found me? 

"Cloud?" her voice neared and I heard her walking up the stairs. 

It was very dark and moonlight shone through the window coupled with the faint light from the eternal fire burning in Cosmo Canyon. I left Red's body and hid behind some furniture. I knew she would be angry and I couldn't face her just yet. She might try to hurt me. I can't let her hurt me…

"Cloud? I woke up and saw you weren't there. I've been looking everywhere so-" her voice cut short just as she reached the top of the stairs. 

Her footsteps halted. I heard her breathing increase and a slight whining sound escape from her mouth, like a silent scream. She had seen his body. I peered out at her, watching tears glisten on her cheeks.

"Cloud…" Tifa sobbed, glancing around in the darkness, "Why would you do this? I thought you were better now…Red's…Red's…" her cries became louder and more frantic. 

Her footsteps lightly tapped towards Red's body. I could sense the fear as her sobs became more intense. I was afraid that if she would cry any louder it would rouse attention from others in Cosmo Canyon. 

I stood and she froze, her head tilted to my direction. Her sobs instantly stopped and her eyes shone big and glassy in the moonlight.

"Tifa," I began in a low voice. 

"Cloud, you didn't do this, did you?" her eyes begged for another explanation to my crime.

I didn't respond. 

"Because I thought you were better now…without Jenova. I thought you were okay," tears piled down her face and my heart sunk. 

I took a step forward and she took a step back. 

"I thought things could work out between us…" she caught her breath and emotion tore through her voice, "But it was never Jenova, it was you. You aren't better…you're just getting worse."

"Help me, Tifa…please," my façade began to crack as tears leaked from my eyes. I walked towards her, "I'm not a pretty sight, am I?" I noticed my blood soaked clothes and hands. Wet bloody strands of hair hung down over my eyes and I knew I looked a mess.

"Cloud, you're not well…" she backed away from me. 

"I'm fine, I've just been doing a lot of thinking lately. Red tried to attack me, I was defending myself," I tried to explain. 

"What were you doing up here in the first place…?" her hands trembled. She was very afraid of me.

"Are you afraid of me?" Sympathy ached suddenly in my chest. 

"…Yes, Cloud," her voice trembled and broke off into sobs. 

"You're usually so strong. Please be strong for me. I need you to be strong," the words I spoke felt so foreign, as though coming from a stranger's mouth. The thoughts seemed not my own.

Her eyes flicked to Red's body. She was trying not to make any sudden movements. I didn't want her running away, screaming, and telling others about what I had done. I couldn't let her leave.

"You don't have to be afraid of me, Tifa," I kept walking closer, trying to keep my voice even, denying the emotion that crackled in my heart. It was the dying emotion of love. I still felt love for her even though I recognized her as my enemy now.

"I don't want to have to hurt you," she bit her lower lip. 

"You won't," I assured her. I knew what I was physically capable of and I wouldn't let her hurt me. 

I was very close to her now and I could feel her trembling. Her fear was intoxicating to me. Suddenly, I wanted to hug her. 

I stumbled forward, and realized what I was doing! I was thinking about hurting her- her, the one I had always loved! This isn't me thinking all this, is it? No, but there is no Jenova to blame it on…No controlling powers. Nothing, except for myself. Am I really this sick that I'm thinking about killing the one person I love?

But didn't I also love Mother? Wasn't She right all the time about Tifa being my weakness? Don't I want to be strong and get rid of my weakness?

No! I have to stop letting myself think these things. My mind itched and crawled with thousands of words and phrases….voices that I had thought I was rid of. It wasn't Jenova's voice anymore, but a million other thoughts whispering through my head at once. When Jenova left, they had all left too temporarily so I thought they were part of Jenova and gone for good… but…what could have triggered them to come back?

I was scared suddenly. I panicked. I need to tell Tifa what was going on inside of me was a war with myself that I was desperately losing. 

I leaned forward a bit more and rasped through my raw throat softly to her, "Help me, Tifa. I'm not myself right now…" I barely got the words through when she darted towards the ladder leading downstairs and flung herself to the lower level as quick as she could. 

"TIFA!" I screamed, suddenly feeling hopelessly abandoned. 

I couldn't deal with these emotions by myself. I needed her to know that I did love her and that I couldn't control these thoughts I was having. 

I was torn inside, literally to some extent. My cells had still not recovered from Jenova being ripped from them and my heart and mind were two separate objects now working against eachother. I felt as if the true me were residing in my heart and was desperately fighting this other me that existed inside my head along with the hallucinations of Zack and Sephiroth. 

I followed Tifa as quick as I could, jumping down the stairs and out into the Cosmo Canyon air, not caring to bring a weapon with me.


	17. final confrontation

Outside it was pouring rain and very dark. It hardly ever rained in Cosmo Canyon. My vision clouded for a few moments and my violent thoughts were becoming louder. But I couldn't allow myself to lose control. What could ultimately silence these emotions within me? I needed Tifa's help. I couldn't let her run off to Junon and let the Asylum know where I was and what I was doing. They would lock me away forever. 

I scanned the area for a second, locating Tifa. I saw her running out towards the fire that forever blazed in the canyon, even when it rained. That light never went out. Her black silhouette approached the fire and hesitated. Was she looking for me? Watching to see if I had followed her perhaps? 

I crept forward, the rain already soaking my clothes and hair. My blonde hair was no longer a deep scarlet shade from the dried blood. I felt almost refreshed, cleansed from the accusing evidence. My eyes were locked on Tifa. 

Zack appeared, walking alongside me, smirking. I ignored him entirely. I had to maintain strict control over my thoughts. 

"You think you can ignore me? Well you can't ignore the truth! I am the reasonable resolution to everything that you ask! Do I not always give you good advice? You can't live without me! You must listen to me…" Zack screamed into my ear, rage in his voice. 

I said nothing to him and continued towards Tifa. I could see her frantically peering into the darkness, a scared look slung across her face. 

"You can't ignore me! I'm everything to you! I'm here for your wellbeing!" He pleaded. 

But still, I said nothing. I knew he wasn't the real Zack I had known 5 years ago. He wasn't the one who suffered excruciating experiments from Hojo with me. He wasn't the First Class SOLDIER I had known… He only looked like him. 

"Leave me alone. I can't be bothered by you anymore," I whispered, not making eye contact. 

"So that's it? You're abandoning an old friend like me for no reason?" he pouted. 

"I can't talk with you anymore, Zack," I caught his eye, but he was staring elsewhere. 

Finally, he was silent. I never heard him speak again after that. He faded away into the darkness as I approached Tifa. She was several yards away from the fire, but it gently lit her features through the pouring rain. 

I thought about sneaking up on her and holding her so she couldn't run, but then a horrible flashback reminded me of what had happened last time I tried to do that, right before Cid died…

She spotted me instantly as I neared the fire. The warm glow from the fiery blades felt good against my cold skin. Rain was leaking down my face and hers. Her eyes darted to my hands, looking quickly for a weapon, but I carried none. The air was thick with tension as our eyes met. The only sound was that of the rain pounding down all around us, drenching the moment. I found it hard to breathe.

"Tifa, please, don't move," desperation strung through my voice. 

She stared at me. I could tell she had been crying, even through the rain streaks on her cheeks. 

"You lied to me! Y, You're a very dangerous and sick person and you lied to me! You said you were better after Jenova had left you! You… you said you loved me!!" she screamed hysterically, anger and sorrow erupting from her lips. 

"I do-" I began softly. 

"No, you don't! You don't!" she screamed, emphasizing her words, "Jenova had nothing to do with your sickness! You're not better! You never will be!" she sobbed. 

I felt a pang in my heart once more. Her sobs… I had caused her to sob. I am a monster. 

The eternal fire in Cosmo Canyon that we stood beside had begun to die from all the rain. The flames shook and quivered, trying to defy the thousands of watery enemies falling from the sky. 

"Tifa, I can control these thoughts I am having," I began gently, trying to show as much caring for her in my voice as possible, "And I know we can be happy together…"

"Cloud, I can't be happy with you in this condition. I love the person you used to be before all this," she shrugged her shoulders close together and closed her eyes for a moment. 

She was so sad…so alone. I was alone too. I hated seeing her so saddened…

Something inside me snapped. I jumped forward and wrapped my arms around her, hugging her tight. For a split second we were close, sealed in an embrace. The one thing I noticed was she was very warm and I was freezing cold. That split second ended with her throwing me away with all her force. 

"Get away from me, you psycho!" she yelled, her voice screeching, although the emotional pain she felt lingered in her eyes. 

I had no time to think when she bolted her fist forward and hit me directly in the eye. White stretched across my vision and she punched my face again and again, bruising my jaw and bloodying my lip. Her hits were so quick I had little time to react. I saw one fist coming towards me and I jerked my hand up, catching her fist within my palm. 

She grunted and kicked my legs out, but I took her down with me. She continued hitting me with her other fist as we fell. I grabbed her throat with my free hand and tried pushing her back. She choked and I released her fist from my grip, pushing her away with both my arms. 

My back was pressed against the floor and she was twisted around on top of me, thrashing her fists towards my face at a tremendous speed. I finally shoved her away and rolled quickly to the side. 

She kicked me sharply in the back as I tried to stand and then another kick in my stomach. I coughed, tasting blood, and remained motionless, kneeling. I really did not want to hurt Tifa. I would accept whatever punishment she dealt me, but I would not return the favor.

Suddenly, a horrific wave of nausea hit me all at once. I bent over and began gasping for air. I knew what was coming…or more importantly WHO was coming. This nausea I recognize from before…

"Tifa!" I croaked helplessly. 

She answered with a kick into my newly healed ribs. I could feel the bruise forming and blood rushing. 

Dizziness split through my skull. I looked up painfully from where I had fallen on the wet rocks. The fire had died down to a tiny whispering flame and her face was barely visible standing a few yards away, her eyes focusing on something else... 

"Tifa!" I tried calling her again, "It's Jenova!" I coughed through the rain.

The pain was lashing through my abdomen as my cells reacted to the faint scent of Jenova nearby. My body longed for it still. But my heart now refused Her.

The rotten sensation within me grew and I could feel Jenova looming over me. Sephiroth was here…my nausea told me he was very close. But through the darkness and rain, I could see little. 

"I'm not surprised to find you here," I heard the source of my sickness laugh from behind me. Tifa froze, her eyes lit with terror. 

I knew he was there… I knew when I turned around I would see his immaculate winged body and his piercing emerald eyes glaring down at me. I didn't look up. 

"Don't you move!" Sephiroth ordered Tifa, holding the razor edge of his wing against her. 

I was lying facedown in a puddle, refusing to believe he was here. He had found me and I was helpless. 

I felt one of his enormous wings smack against me, pushing me onto my back. I saw him in the dying light. The one winged angel…

"Look at me when I'm talking to you, Cloud!" he laughed as I struggled to sit up, wiping the blood from my lip. 

"Didn't I already kill you twice?" I remarked, feeling the need to defend myself verbally. 

"You were the one who assisted in my resurrection. You still are a puppet…a puppet to the end," he glared down at me. 

"No, I'm not your puppet. Jenova has no control over me now!" I made an effort to stand. I still hated Sephiroth with a deep burning rage.

"I beg to differ. Look at the state you're in now. You can't even stand without looking pathetic and weak," he continued laughing. 

"I hate you, Sephiroth. You've ruined everything for me!!" I snarled viciously at him, praying silently that he would just leave me alone. 

"I can't let you live, Cloud. You understand that, right? If you are not part of the solution, you are part of my problem!" he whipped one of his wings around, throwing me off balance and leaving a nice bruise on my right cheek. 

I stumbled. "Then leave Tifa out of this, Sephiroth! It will be just you and me fighting, like it was before!" I shouted bravely. I hoped he wouldn't see through my façade and see my soul trembling beneath it. 

"This time you will lose, Strife!" he grinned. 

I braced myself as his wing swung around heavily, knocking the wind out of me. I was back on my feet in a painful second, trying not to let my facial expressions demonstrate the pain I was in. 

"You murdered all my friends! I can never forgive you!" I mentally prepared myself for death. I knew I couldn't win in a fight against him now. 

"It's a pity none of them knew where you were. But do not blame me for Cid and Red's fate," he knew he hit a soft spot, but I pretended like his words didn't affect me. 

I was hoping we would talk forever, because my body was in no condition to fight. I had a feeling this would be the last time I would confront him ever. One of us was about to walk away from the other's corpse. I already felt like the corpse…


	18. the victor

"Sephiroth, we don't have to fight, you and I," I tried weakly to speak.  
  
"You've got it all wrong, Strife. We are DESTINED to fight!" he growled.  
  
I stole a glance over to Tifa. She looked as though caught between the decision of running or fighting. I needed to buy some more time.  
  
"Why don't we join forces," I lied, "I can help you."  
  
"Ha! You are pathetic and weak. Mother doesn't want anything to do with you anymore. You had your chance to join us and you refused. Enough talk. You will die now," Sephiroth narrowed his emerald eyes at me and swung down one gigantic wing, hitting me in the side.  
  
I was thrown onto the floor, but this time I couldn't get back up. My body was too weary and the nausea was crippling. I was in no condition to fight in the first place, but his unrelenting abuse completely tore me apart.  
  
"You poor boy," Sephiroth snarled sarcastically, twisting his body to face me entirely.  
  
Tifa sprang up once Sephiroth's back was turned and dashed away. I watched her figure vanish into the darkness, my heart sinking lower into my chest as her footsteps receded. No, Tifa, please don't leave me here!  
  
"Tifa!" I screamed, my throat raw, tears dancing in my eyes.  
  
"She's left you. It's only you and I. You were, I must confess, much stronger last time we met. Ha-ha, it is because you no longer have Jenova within you. She was your strength and you refused her!" he floated above me, knowing his words went straight to my heart.  
  
"I never refused her. She refused me! I accepted her and embraced her and sacrificed my sanity for her! Don't tell me I refused her!!" I yelled, rage circulating in my veins. I wanted to be accepted by her, at one point. I was heartbroken when she refused me and only wanted Sephiroth.  
  
"Even when you are angry, you still look pitiful- lying in a pool of blood and tears. Hahaha. Enough talk," Sephiroth hovered close to me, clasping my neck with one arm and lifting me off the ground.  
  
"I'm almost sad to see the end of you, Cloud. We've known eachother for so long. In another life, in another time, perhaps we would have been great friends," he spoke thoughtfully, his eyes close to mine.  
  
For that moment, I saw the man Sephiroth used to be. I saw the elite general whom I admired. He became human with those words, not the monstrosity Jenova transformed him into. His hand tightened on my throat and I could taste the stench of Jenova, he was so close.  
  
"M,Mother..." I gasped.  
  
I could fight no longer. The warm nausea churned inside me and my bruised ribs ached fiercely. Blood lingered in my mouth from either my lungs or my lips. My mind was exhausted. The constant surge of adrenaline wore me thin. My face was battered and my blonde hair was nothing but a messy lump of dirt, sweat, and blood. I couldn't fight anymore.  
  
Some faint glimmer of hope argued that I had to stay alive to protect Tifa, to protect the Planet from Jenova, and to protect every living creature from the horrible future Jenova would no doubt instate if her mad search for the Promised Land continued. I was the protector and I had failed. The hope lying in the pit of my heart fell silent.  
  
Sephiroth threw me down again, smiling as I fell on the rocky soil with a painful crack. The pain was so intense I could not pinpoint the location at all. It was just a wild fiery light overwhelming my entire body. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to imagine when it would be over.  
  
"Just fucking kill me already, you sadist," I coughed, spitting up blood and dirt.  
  
"I enjoy watching you suffer, torturing you. Do you remember Hojo's lab, Cloud? Oh yes, you were tortured a lot there, weren't you?" Sephiroth laughed, clearly enjoying the mental anguish he bestowed upon me.  
  
"Shut the hell up ..." I rasped between breaths. I didn't need to be reminded of the horrors of Hojo's lab.  
  
I was lying on my back between the rocks near the dying flame in Cosmo Canyon, completely vulnerable. I could not move, a thick numbness was spreading along my entire body and my vision was faltering.  
  
I felt the cold tip of Sephiroth's razor wing rest against my cheek. I could feel the pressure applied as he pulled the razor straight across my face, cutting deep into the skin, blood spilling at once, sliding over my torn flesh. I cringed, but could do little else aside from suffer.  
  
"Now, you and Tifa are alike. How does it feel to get a taste of your own medicine?" he smirked.  
  
I remembered the scar administered by me that lay on Tifa's cheek. I'm no better than Sephiroth ... the scar will always remain on her, like a tattoo of my love. And now I will have a matching scar, administered by my enemy as a symbol of hatred. My mind was hazy, the rain beating heavily upon my broken body, the darkness creeping further and further inward, and the fire slowly dying.  
  
I moved my hand painfully to my face, feeling the warm blood. I must be still alive if my blood is still warm. I was waiting for the finishing slash, the final flash of pain before sweet release. Every blink was a struggle, and I could not win.  
  
Sephiroth grinned over me, his majestic wings flapping effortlessly. The One-Winged Angel was victorious ...  
  
He stared down at me, smirking, as if mocking me. I hated him, although the rage could not surface and spike my adrenaline as it had done in the past. I accepted this hate. I didn't try to fight it or attack him to silence the gnawing hatred. I hated him and that was how it was going to end.  
  
My ears began to close and my fingers went numb. My vision grew black around the edges. Goodbye Tifa ... I could not protect you.  
  
I stared hazily at Sephiroth's smiling triumphant face. Smiling, smiling, smiling ......  
  
"Ugh!!!" Sephiroth let out a sudden cry and the smile melted off his face, replaced with a look of absolute pain.  
  
He twisted around to gaze at his attacker and I could see my Ultima Weapon firmly embedded in Sephiroth's back, blood running down his lower wings.  
  
"YOU!" he screamed, falling to the floor, his eyes glaring at the figure in the shadows.  
  
The giant sword had pierced through his upper body, puncturing his spinal cord. His lower half was entirely immobile. His cry of pain was delightful. My head was swimming, but I focused all my power to turn my head slightly and witness my rescuer.  
  
An elegant female form stood near the fire and my heart leapt as I recognized her steel-plated boots.  
  
"Tifa! I ... !" I struggled to speak, but found my voice was hoarse.  
  
I watched as she kicked Sephiroth's face twice and pulled the Ultima Weapon out of his back, struggling with its intense weight. She tensed her muscles and swung the bloody weapon high over her head, nailing Sephiroth directly in the shoulder with the massive blade.  
  
I smiled, my happiness hardly able to contain itself. Tears of joy slid down my cheeks.  
  
"You stupid girl ... " Sephiroth gurgled, blood heavy in his throat, "You can kill my body, but Jenova will always remain dormant, waiting for a new host..."  
  
Tifa left Sephiroth impaled by the heavy sword, and rushed to my side, lifting my head up from the jagged rocks. I noticed the rain had finally stopped, and the flame seemed to grow brighter. I could see her face clearly, smiling sweetly down at me.  
  
"Why'd you help me, Tifa? I thought you hated me ... " I smiled back as she brushed my hair away from my face.  
  
"I couldn't let Sephiroth live ... he's caused us all too much pain," she avoided my eyes for a moment, "And I couldn't let Jenova live either."  
  
"Tifa, he's still alive. I can feel it," I whispered, "Let me finish him... Help me up." I held out one numb arm.  
  
She grasped my hand firmly, throwing my arm around her shoulder and slowly lifting me up. I coughed violently for a moment, spitting blood onto the dirt floor. My sides ached like hell and my head was swirling. I tried to stand on my numb legs, leaning heavily on Tifa for a moment before gaining my balance.  
  
Sephiroth was still alive, writhing under the Ultima Weapon cutting halfway through his shoulders, nearly decapitating him.  
  
"It was a lucky strike, Tifa," Sephiroth admitted. "I would have never expected you to wield Strife's weapon with such accuracy." He struggled to toss the sword aside, blood thickly pooling around him draining from the gaping slice in his back and shoulder.  
  
"I should have never turned my back on you..." he smirked again at Tifa, although this time it looked more pitiful.  
  
"Jenova, I've had it with you," I stated defiantly, picking up my Ultima Weapon, the weight of the familiar sword striking protest from my sore, bruised muscles.  
  
"I shall live on in the LifeStream, as I did in the past, and Jenova will lay dormant until another host embraces her. You can never truly defeat me, Strife," Sephiroth snickered then winced in pain. He was losing blood fast.  
  
"We would've been good friends once, Sephiroth, but you fucked it up. Goodbye Jenova, you rejected me, now it's my turn to reject you..." I spat scornfully, lifting my weapon slowly and painfully.  
  
"I will wait for you, Strife. Or I will find you again," he smiled, his teeth full of blood.  
  
He didn't say anymore, but his expression was worth a thousand words as I swung the glowing steel into his face. 


	19. true love

He fell, crumbling against the cool wet mud, his wings disintegrating into dust, his silver hair torn around his torso. And in one instant, I felt Jenova die. The nausea stopped abruptly and I collapsed on my back, feeling the cold pounding of the rain on my face and my lungs struggling to push out every breath. Jenova was dead. It was done. I shed a silent tear for my Brother, whom died by my hands for the second time.

I glanced up into the sky to see a dull sliver of a moon peering between the clouds. The rain was beginning to stop. The silence in my head was, for the first time, welcoming and peaceful. The Mako in my body was sustaining the thread of life I clung to and my vision began to dim, thoughts of Sephiroth's last words echoed in my mind.

"Tifa…" I exhaled softly and pulled my head off the ground despite the protests from the muscles everywhere in my bruised body.

She was standing not far off, bending over to pick up my Ultima Weapon where it had delivered the fatal blow to Sephiroth. The fire was growing as the rain relented and it became apparent that dawn was approaching. I suddenly began shivering; the numbness that had previously kept me captive dissipated the instant I felt Jenova's cells die inside Sephiroth. Warmth from the fire did nothing to stave off the coldness firmly embedded in my bones.

I curled up, shaking profusely and wiping the blood from my rainy face. It was over…the terrible ordeal left me painstakingly free. My body was going into shock from the sudden cold and I desperately pulled myself closer to the flames, but every ounce of energy I had only seemed to work against me. The world began spinning violently and my stomach lunged, uncertain of death or life.

"Tifa…" I called again weakly, tragically. The coldness was reaching into my chest, threatening to stop my very heart beat if she didn't help me. I frantically reached my hand out, grasping for her. I clutched at empty air and despair sunk into the reaches of my heart.

Then I felt her heavy boot push onto my breastplate, my fragile lungs coughed in protest.

"Don't move, Cloud," the honey-sweet voice was full of malice.

Utterly confused, I did as told and curled up once again, the pounding in my head clearing, even though the freezing sensation did not cease.

"Tifa, I'm going….to…die," I chattered, "What is…wrong with me?" I shifted my eyes upward to see her figure holding the Ultima Weapon above my throat, her boot flat on my chest.

"I don't know what you are, Cloud. I suppose I never understood you fully…" I heard a slight tension rising in her voice, something I had never heard before.

The blade waved dangerously low to my throat. One false move and she could effortlessly cut my life out.

"Tifa? What are you saying…?" I pushed the physical pain aside and forced my body to stop shaking.

"I… I don't know what you are!" She repeated, her voice faltering, "I can't trust you!"

"I'm dying, Tifa! Help me, …please!" I begged, reaching my fingers around her ankle, feeling her flesh so very warm and alive. Why was she acting this way?

"You've changed. You're not well! I had to help you kill Sephiroth to stop him from destroying the planet, but nothing is safe as long as you are still alive… You remain a link to Jenova and to Sephiroth…" she pushed her boot harder on my chest until I feared she would crush my heart.

"W…what! Jenova is…dead! I felt her die, Tifa, you must believe me!" I lay helpless beneath her power, my own blade only two inches above my neck. I never imagined I would ever be on the receiving end of the weapon I used to kill Sephiroth.

I was abandoned. At the very end, when I thought the nightmare was over, when I thought we had won…she had not forgiven me.

"You killed Red, just like you killed Cid. You cannot blame Jenova for that, Cloud. I saw the look in your eyes when you turned on me. I've seen that same look in Sephiroth's eyes…I'd like to believe it was Jenova's corruption, but I just think its you….its something wrong with you," she was crying as she spoke, her voice tight with emotion.

"You're going to …kill me?" My body was slowly giving up. I could feel every motion, every heartbeat, every muscle within me slowing. "Tifa! Don't do this!" I pleaded.

A tear from her cheek fell from her chin, hitting my face and sliding off my cheek. She was hesitating. She wouldn't kill me. How could she!

The sky was brightening at a fantastic speed now, turning pink and white as the sun began to dawn. A feeling of complete betrayal consumed me. I heard and felt nothing for several seconds as my brain attempted to process the situation at hand.

Her betrayal hit me deep, draining me physically and crushing me emotionally, as though I had already died and left behind this husk of a body. The weightless feeling so familiar to me was completely evaporated, replaced by the thick depression of each second passing, each quiver of her arms as she held the heavy blade closer and closer to my throat.

She said nothing. Perhaps she felt nothing. I was lying dead at her feet practically. The sword dipped and delicately rested on my neck, lightly depressing the artery millimeters beneath. I could hear her breathing hard.

"I am powerless, Tifa… in this state. How could you…strike me down… after all we've been through…?" my breath came in ragged painful gasps, my heart felt dead under the weight of my flesh.

"Cloud, everyone is dead! Don't you understand it's because of you that everyone is dead!" she screamed suddenly, more tears tumbling from her chin onto my face.

"You've betrayed me…" I felt hot coppery blood trickle from my lips as I spat those words. "You've fucking betrayed …me," I suppressed every tear, every shiver.

"No, Cloud. You've betrayed me…" She glared down at me, "The moment you cut me and the aftermath of that event is the single biggest betrayal…"

"So…you will…kill me?" The words sounded so very distant and foreign. I never imagined myself saying these words to her…her, whom I loved…her, whom I admired and respected…her, whom I felt empty without.

"If I don't…then I want you out of my life and back in the prison," her lips were pressed so tightly together, I wondered if I was imagining her talking or not.

But all my hallucinations were gone. My Jenova was gone. Sephiroth was gone. All my friends were gone. I could not think of a single reason to continue living. I placed my hand over the top of the blade and pressed it into my neck without hesitation, feeling the layers of skin cleanly tear through until liquid oozed forth and a sharp new pain awoke my deadened nervous system.

"No!" She shouted suddenly and released the hilt, dropping the sword to the red dust.

The wound was superficial, but bled still. She had not given me enough time to properly cut deep enough. Warmth from my neck trickled over my chest, thawing the frozen mass inside.

"I… can do…it…myself..f..f," I smiled up at her, "Killing me… is no small feat…"

"No! No, I didn't intend this! Not this way…" She dropped to her knees and clenched both hands tightly over my neck, halting the blood flow, "You cannot do this!"

"Nobody intends a lot…of things," I coughed, gazing up at the sky, smiling.

Everything suddenly seemed to be ok. A strange sensation grasped me tight, a feeling that made me sick.

She had left me…ultimate betrayal committed. Now I truly was free of everything because I had nothing. One of us would surely die here, a thought I have had plenty of times in the past when I always emerged the victor. I was the strong one and I survived this far. Nobody could truly kill me except myself. Nobody could control my fate but me. Truly my fate is sealed with this single moment, I reflected.

She was so close to me, her eyes frantic over my blood covering her hands.

Suddenly, I reached up and pulled her close, kissing her deeply. The blood in my mouth met with her delicate warmth and the bittersweet tears rolling down my cheeks felt alien. To my surprise, she did not resist nor did she indulge. I tasted her uncertainty mixed with her desire. I pulled her on top of me tight, kissing her deeper still and more intensely until she was nearly choking on the blood from my mouth. Her muscles tensed and she pushed me away, tears still hovering in her eyes, threatening to spill.

We had never been this close, and in my moment of death I felt it necessary to kiss her just once, the woman I love and the woman who could end my life.

The moment ended in a train wreck of tangled emotion. Her eyes were so close, so innocent, so betraying. She looked completely shocked from my sudden action, but more alarmed than anything, perhaps at herself for allowing me to do it. But I could read her eyes in a heartbeat and realized she was harmless. She was never intending to kill me. She couldn't have. I was broken and she easily could have killed me a number of times over, if she chose. What kept me alive was her will.

"Cloud, you're dying," she whispered, not bothering to wipe the blood from her lips. I faintly wondered what it tasted like to her, since I was certain my own tastes were shot from swallowing so much of my own blood. The anger I had heard previously in her voice was still there, but a coating of pity seemed to override it.

"I know…" I couldn't pull my eyes away from hers. "Finish the deed… Dispose of me," I whispered back, my thoughts still on the kiss. She shook her head, her eyes widening with a thousand variants of anger, pity, sorrow, and perhaps even love.

"This is impossible…everything we've been through is impossible," Tifa sighed heavily, and for the first time I noticed bruises lightly forming on her shoulders from me holding her so tight. She collapsed, seemingly from the gravity of everything. No doubt physically and mentally exhausted. Her true feelings to me remained a mystery.

Sephiroth's corpse lay feet away, but his silver hair had lost its shine. He was nothing but an object now. No soul resided within. He was once more a part of the LifeStream. I was truly depressed, unable to stand, unable to think. The lonely ache in my chest cavity felt cold and hard, freezing over my insides.

"We are the dying, Tifa… I have always been dying," I breathed the words so soft perhaps she didn't hear. She had fallen almost on top of me; her head nestled on my shoulder, the blood from my neck freely flowing through her dark hair.

Whatever transpired between us was unsaid, but the desperate hollowness I felt had drained me entirely. I was dead with her. It all became clear as the first sliver of the sun rose over the horizon. Tifa and I were truly and utterly perfect for each other. She was not perfect, nor was I. Together, we were complete.

I painfully pulled my arms around her shoulder, too fearful to close my eyes lest I never open them again. A beautiful melody was playing in my mind somewhere. I tried hard not to be lulled to sleep. I felt complete hugging her. My mind ignored all other sensations and concentrated on the kiss we briefly shared.

"Tifa…we cannot die here," I implored, gently caressing her shoulder with my numb fingers. I could no longer feel the strong warmth emanating from her. "I cannot die here," I asserted.

She had passed out, her lips a deep crimson from the blood I was choking on. It was too unreal. But she had saved my life from Sephiroth and now I must repay the favor.


	20. the dying

There was nobody left to rely on. I had to somehow save the day. Even as the air around me grew terrifyingly cold and my vision dimmed, I stretched out my arm and felt the hilt of the Ultima Weapon. It felt like eons ago that I was lying at Sephiroth's feet, ready to accept death. I laughed gently as I thought of how weak I had become from the once mighty Cloud Strife.

Using the giant sword as a support, I pressed its tip firmly into the dirt and attempted to hoist myself off the ground. Life must go on, I grimly told myself. Death does not accept me as eagerly as I would like it to and I must pick myself up and continue. Somehow, I pulled myself up, leaning heavily on my faithful sword, its glow still faint under the layer of congealing blood.

I gazed at Tifa's collapsed figure in the dirt, her betrayal fresh in my mind. She was my enemy, even if I loved her to death. She wasn't safe with me, nor was I safe with her. Jenova was right about Tifa all along. The truth was that I wanted to kill her and end my suffering, but my love for her ran through my cells deeper than Jenova could have possibly penetrated, thicker than the Mako infused within me. Just as she could not bring herself to kill me, I found myself powerless to raise a blade to her…for the second time.

The sun was fully trailing through the sky, burning the dawn into my eyes. I stood for several minutes contemplating life and death. Perhaps I could kill her then commit suicide. How could I ever go on living without her? But would she be loyal at all to me when she awoke? Would she want to kill me, or throw me in jail and alienate me from her life? Could I truly live without her in my life? I tried to decide the best course of action but my thoughts were foggy and the freezing sensation covered my body, swaying as I leaned on my sword.

She literally was the only friend, the only companion I had left on the planet. Even Sephiroth and Jenova were permanently dead. I stood above her, still struggling to think for what felt like hours as the sun climbed higher and higher into the sky, the heat still unable to thaw my frozen limbs and chest. My dirty blonde hair hung limply over my face and dried blood coated my clothing and my hands. And still I stood; watching her, the energy within me remained considerably low. I needed to sleep. When was the last time I slept peacefully? Would I die if I fell asleep at this point? That no longer mattered.

The sun was terribly warm I'm sure, but I felt nothing. My memory blinked and black spots dotted my vision for a moment. I shook my head, attempting to clear my eyes and felt heavy with some unknown weight. I released my muscles from their laborious task of keeping me balanced and I collapsed next to Tifa, the sword clattering to the ground. Everything suddenly seemed so pointless in my cloudy mind. I needed to talk to Tifa again…about everything…about us.

I shoved Tifa's shoulder lightly.

"Tifa…wake up," I rasped, my throat felt raw and cold. My neck has ceased bleeding, but strings of pain still struck me with every sentence. She lay motionless.

"Tifa…I can't make it out of here alone…I can't decide what to do," I cried, shaking her gently, "I need you here, even if you…want to kill me," I sighed heavily.

I couldn't understand why my stamina remained so low hours after Jenova had died. My body simply wasn't healing itself. My heart lay dead in my chest as I realized how cold Tifa was. How still she lay…

"Tifa…?" my voice felt tiny and helpless. This wasn't like me! What was going on inside me? "Tifa, wake the fuck up!" I shouted, shaking her harder watching her head roll around on her neck lifelessly.

"No… No, this isn't real," I released her. "This is a fucking dream! This is another hallucination!" I placed my hand next to her and felt a cold puddle.

All at once, my eyes took in everything and I realized she was laying face-up in a pool of blood, icy cold from the hours of death that stole her.

"What… is this? This is a dream! A dream…" I repeated, pushing myself back away from her body, the wound in her stomach suddenly all too apparent. My memory clicked and I dropped the Ultima Weapon with a sickening clatter. When did I pick it up? What had I done!

"No! How could I have done this!" I frantically searched my memory for an answer, realizing the hours of time I had spent standing over her body were truly not faithful to me. What had I done in those hours in which my memory held a blank? The answer lay at my feet, soaked in blood, with a slash across her chest and stomach.

"This is … impossible!" I forgot all the physical pain in an instant as a wall of despair hit me fast, pushing me back to the ground, tears streaming thoughtlessly down my cheeks.

"Sephiroth, what have I done? What have you made me do to her…!" His smile flashed before my eyes and I clutched my head, pulling at my hair and doubling up in pain.

…"I will wait for you, Strife. Or I will find you again," Sephiroth's final words echoed solemnly in my mind, the awful weightless feeling and nausea grew.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps running towards me… many footsteps. My vision was hazy, but I turned and faced the village in Cosmo Canyon, watching as about ten villagers and twenty Midgar Asylum police and nursing aids closed in on me.

"No… don't take me back to Juno," I sighed helplessly, "I didn't mean to kill anyone!" I knew in my heart that Jenova was gone and only I could have possibly done this to Tifa. Her mutilated corpse burned my eyes and I blinked away tears, turning towards the newcomers.

Rough hands threw me on my back and someone was shining a light in my eyes.

"Yea, it's him. See his eyes?" someone was talking, but I couldn't look anywhere but the sky, watching the shiny white clouds drift past me on the blue sky.

The tears would not stop as the weight of the situation struck me in the face like a bullet to the head. I had murdered my true love in some sort of altered state. I was unsafe to everyone…it was never Jenova, but me who caused all those deaths. Jenova simply facilitated it more and gave me strength. I should have never wanted to give Her up.

"Tifa…" I grinned, feeling the hot tears weep even faster down my freezing cheeks. I thought I could possibly cry no more after all the tears I'd shed, but nothing I was feeling made sense anyways.

"Oh god… we are too late," another man was saying. I turned slightly and saw his figure bending over Tifa's corpse.

"Another one here," the first man said again, his voice thick with fear, "What the hell are you?" he turned towards me.

"How could he have killed both of these people?" the second man's voice was close to me. "He is nearly unconscious!"

But I was staring back at the sky, a grin plastered onto my face as I intently watched another cloud drift by. My namesake… I thought happily. Heaven.

"I have nothing left," I coughed, dropping my eyes to fall on the second man who was leaning above me, "Nothing left at all…"

Now it was all over. I was free from everything, but what truly afflicted me was myself. I would never be free of myself. I had tried desperately to cleanse my bleeding soul by destroying everyone around me, but the real demon lay dormant in my chest the entire time.

Tifa was right to betray me, I gravely thought. I was some kind of monster indeed. It was a pity that she didn't kill me when she had the chance. Tifa used me to help kill Sephiroth once and for all, but nothing could save her or anyone from me. What had I done to her in that kiss that made her hesitate so?

Nothing would be answered now. I felt myself being pulled up and my eyes closed, blackness enveloping me. The clouds were shut out from above. Somewhere in here is a normal human being, but it is not me. I am unique. I am alone.


End file.
